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i begin to find a peace that i never imagined possible. to tell the honest truth, this whole looking for why i do something gig, is one i would love to avoid. across the annual cycle this topic pops up, sometimes in a specific instance, such as service or more like this one the whole ball of wax, to mix my metaphors.so more than i like to, i am forced to look at how “pure” my motives for what i do really are.
that of course is a bit of hyperbole, i am never forced to do anything in recovery, actions are suggested and i am free to follow them or not. it has been quite a bit of time since i was required to do anything, and since that outside influence left my life, i am free to recover at my discretion.
where was i? oh yeah, i choose to look at what my motives are, because of the daily reading cycle more than once a year. i sincerely doubt that my motives will ever be 100% pure, knowing me, they will almost certainly be tied to how i look in the eyes of others, as that seems to be the main motivation for all i do. i certainly can add some window dressing in the manner of spin with a giant “BUT”, the truth, however stands on its own. no hope? just wait i am getting there. so it may seem that no matter how long i stay clean and no matter how diligent i work a program, certain aspects of who i am, never seem to change. the way i am feeling this morning, impatient and frustrated, that feels like just another brick in the wall. i could stay there and cry myself a river, i choose however to move beyond that. yes i still am concerned about how i look in the eyes of others. yes i am still as bad as i ever was, about actually being a good judge of that. and yes, i still am afraid to ask anyone what they really think of me. there you have my neurosis in a nutshell. while all of that is true, the truth is also, that most of my actions are no longer guided by impulse, and i can do something just because it is the next right thing to do. as weird as that sounds, sometimes i even do something for someone and never let on that i actually did it, resisting my self-seeking urge to shout out from the top of every mountain how noble and great i really am. so what is it, selfless or selfish? somewhere in between, as that is the human experience, most of the human race is not pure selfish or selfless, and even a recovering addict like me, has to fall somewhere in that range. no matter how skewed my image of myself may be, i NEED to remember that fact. the other salient fact in this discussion this morning was stated implicitly, as i have worked steps and continue to recover, i move away from my self-seeking motives, including my driving force, into motives that are more beneficial to myself in the long run. i finally see that the ends DO NOT JUSTIFY THE MEANS, when applied to why i do something and i begin to accept that how i look in the eyes of others is nowhere as important to how i feel about myself and how i am behaving. is a byproduct of recovery is a shift in my position on the selfish-selfless scale of human experience, just'cuz i am doing this gig day by day. so i guess i have nothing more to say, except that if i am present, i am certain i can be more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞