Blog entry for:

after fretting and rereading the entry this morning, at least ten times, i finally found a seeds that fit what i heard this morning as the quiet descended upon me. for one thing, a quick apology for the scattered-brain post yesterday that i wrote while multi-tasking. i never did find my groove, for any of the tasks i was attempting to accomplish. just goes to show me, that when i cannot focus on one thing, i certainly cannot focus on many things. moving into the here and now, i certainly can say that my attempt yesterday was what i thought i needed to do, to look good to all the audiences i was playing to, and what i ended-up doing was giving a mediocre performance in all arenas. this morning, i have a different motive, i want to put down in words, what i am feeling and share it with others.
it will come as no surprise to any of those who pay attention to these little “brain-dumps,” that the past six months has been one helluva a ride for me and i cannot get off it, quite yet. it is also not surprising that whatever grace i have been showing, is wearing a bit thin and i require a recharge of sorts. vacation certainly got that process started, but i really need to get out and pound my ass up some steep mountains and sweat out some frustration, in the company of others who want to “touch the sky,” as it were. maybe a quick jaunt up Sanitas tomorrow morning, may scratch that itch.
what is also no surprise, at least to me, is the way my new “insight” to how i got here, is affecting how i see the world around me and my place within that world. once upon a time, a mere two months ago, i was blissfully unaware of the lie i was living. ignorance, in this case, was bliss and as insane as it may sound, i wonder what would have happened, if i once again glossed over a deep, ancient and smoldering resentment. when i consider that well-trod path, as this was not my first FOURTH STEP, i see that nothing would have changed and blithely playing to the crowd, would have continued, unabated. this morning i am feeling a sense of relief in that i finally blew-up the lie that defined me for so many years. it is true, that doing so could have come at a better time, but i am coming around to the notion, that sometimes, things happen when they need to happen and in those instances i just need to hang on and “enjoy” the ride.
while the sun is low in the sky and it is still in the sixties, i think it is time to put on my workout togs and do my “tour de east-side,” carrying with me the notion that no matter how i slice, dice or julienne it, i am more than likely, exactly where i need to be and all i have to do, is pay attention and exercise the options that i am given, just for today.

∞ DT ∞