Blog entry for:

while it is true that my motives have changed over my journey through recovery, it does not mean that all of those changes have been for the better. i still have a defect of character or three, that feed my motives and provide the lies i need to act-out with a minimum of emotional consequences, at least in the short run. so when the reading suggested that i check my motives today it got me thinking about a single instance that has permeated through the length of my recovery. there was once a time when i wanted to have bunches and bunches of sponsees, so i could show everyone how spiritual and connected i was. my motives in that desire were simply to shore up my non-existent self-esteem. then as i got better i only wanted to have a few sponsees that i could direct and create spiritual giants from, again showing everyone how powerful i was. nowadays i am once again finding i have too many sponsees but i will not cut any of them loose. each one of the men i sponsor asked me to help them, each one them knows that i have limited time resources but am willing to give what i need for them and i will not force my particular opinion about HOW to recover on any of them. each and every one of the men i choose to sponsor today needs something different and my motives today is to provide what i can, because i was asked to and nothing else. so anyhow time driving to the MontaNA Gathering, i will not be writing for a few days so have the best weekend you can!
∞ DT ∞