Blog entry for:

respect, rather than seeking it. before i dive into the source material and what i heard this morning, a quick update. i missed writing this exercise yesterday, as i left very early in the morning yesterday to summit Culebra Peak, 14,047 feet. i lacked the desire and the time to post anything in this space. it is what it is, and i make no excuses for failing to find both the desire and the time to write. that being said, my source material today, was certainly well worth reading and upon which i can comment. i have some more days coming up up over the course of the next month, when, once again, i may not finds the room in my life to post. be that as it may, just for today, i am present and willing to dive into some thoughts about being respectful without expecting respect in return.
something i heard in my home group this morning, touched a nerve, because it was so true. my peer shared that when they feel disrespected, they feel that they are weak and need to respond to regain power in the situation. although i never thought about demanding respect as a means of gaining power, it males all kind of sense, especially for this addict. part of the lie that pervaded my life for so long was that living that lie was a manner of preserving my power. as long as no one had a clue what was going on inside of me, i retained all sorts of power and by keeping it a secret, i was somehow above the fray. coming to terms with that reality forced me to reinterpret all that i have done in my recovery and i have seen that basing my identity in doing service to my fellowship above the efforts of others was the vehicle to feed my lack of self-respect.
as i come to learn how to live life, in a respectful manner, i see that very rarely do i feel disrespected these days. i have reclaimed my personal power by throwing away any expectations of return, at least in this sense. it is not as if a switch was flipped, but a rheostat was gradually turned up until the light of this notion, shined brightly in my being. today, i get to be more than a sop craving attention, validation and respect and as i move away from that desire and just do the next right thing, i discover that i am getting all three of those just by living a program where i am an equal to those around me. once status is gone, i am free to be me and surrender whatever judgements may come of that into the quite capable care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞