Blog entry for:

each time i ask, **am i telling the truth about myself?**
i draw that much further away from the alienation that characterizes my addiction, and that much closer to the freedom recovery can bring me. so what do i need to be truthful about to myself today? well, i thought i wanted to repair a friendship that i have allowed to languish, first out fear, and then for reasons that i need not enumerate here. as i ponder my actions i wonder if i really want to do this after all? i could go into the whole raft of rationalizations and justifications for changing my mind, but in the long run, it will boil down to whether or not i feel that investing my resources is worth the payoff.
the bottom line analysis goes something like this. to renew this friendship will require me to make time to sit down and talk privately and as equals. then it will require me to put on the table that our political differences should not make any difference to our personal relationship, then i will have to accept that they are who they are, and it is not my job to change them and ask what their expectations of our personal relationship currently are. and finally decide as to whether or not i am willing or capable of meeting those expectations. the payoff i expect is a trusted and respected friend, who also trusts and respects me and truthfully i can never have enough of those kind of relationships in my life. as i continue to think along those lines, i do need to consider what negotiating points would be a deal breaker for me. since a strict business analysis of such a process would be cold and probably unnecessarily cruel in this particular forum, i will leave that for a conversation between myself, MY HIGHER POWER and a closed-mouth friend or my sponsor.
so the truth for me today is, i need to carefully consider the ramifications of this decision and not practice selective recall when considering whether or not i wish to rebuild this relationship, but allow the loving spirit of my peculiar concept of a HIGHER POWER to fill me and make that decision based on intuition rather than my feelings. that in and of itself is task enough for any person and i do believe i will surrender and allow that to happen. so off to the workout while the rain is temporarily on pause.

∞ DT ∞