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honest sharing will free me to recover! this morning i woke-up with more than a bit of attitude. of course, my plan of heading over to Boulder did not pan out, and of course hitting a meeting here in town was right out of the question, so it is not surprising that i am more than a bit funky this morning.
the cure? well for one, a good hard maybe even brutal workout will brush the cobwebs out. a morning in the cigar shop certainly will not hurt either. most importantly, a meeting this evening and perhaps a missive or two to a sponsee or three who have been slacking a bit may be in order, or even better a call to my sponsor to see how he is doing. so the solution is to do what i am doing, what is bugging me the most is that i had a great TENTH step last night and an even better ELEVENTH step this morning, and yet i still do not feel the way i want to. man i hate that about recovery, this whole being powerless over my feelings gig really ticks me off some days. one of the so-called benefits of being in active addiction, was my ability to morph my feelings into what i wanted, either by chemistry or by behaviors. it is quite true the whole behavior route has not been taken away, after all the program's focus is on the symptom of uncontrolled drug use. in recovery, i just do not use no matter what, and if i choose to act-out, i still keep my clean date. the part of me that i call addiction digs the sh!t out of that, as it appears to be a loophole large enough to sail a super-tanker through. dang it all, the rest of me has worked a few steps, and while i KNOW how to alter my feelings through behaving in what i consider an unacceptable manner these days, it is that whole unacceptable part that recovery has created within me. yes, stirring the pot, instigating chaos, or just shopping 'til i drop would remove this so-called unpleasant funk. there of course would be a price to pay, and as i accept the consequences of my actions today, part of that price would be paid tonight in my TENTH step, and then of course i would have to admit i am wrong or have more debt or just have to own up to the damage i just did to myself, all for the sake of a moment of blissful oblivion.
so what will i do? well the workout, then some work at the cigar shop, then some more work and a meeting seems like the best course of action for this addict. somewhere in all of that a call to my sponsor just to see how he is doing will fit quite nicely, and i do have a letter from a sponsee that needs to be answered.
all of that and more can be on tap for me this morning, so the time has come to get up and get moving, and allow myself just to be funky. i am sure that although it feels like this will last forever that, “this too shall pass!” off to the races i go.

∞ DT ∞

A Post Script:
okay, i do feel better after my work out. still a bit on the funky side, but i am better fit, spiritually speaking to face what may come my way this morning and in fact the rest of this day. so even without chemistry or unaccaptable behavior, i can feel better. that my friends is a gift of recovery, and one for which i am grateful for today.