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i draw that much further away from the alienation that characterizes addiction. take two, as a matter of procrastination, i lost my previous thoughts into the bit bucket of the back button on my web browser, that is what i get for delaying or trying to divert a train of thought once i get rolling, at least that is what i GOT today.
if dishonesty with myself and the POWER that fuels my recovery, is the cornerstone of active addiction, it certainly follows that the converse would also be true. the premise of being honest about myself, to myself and others was a healthy thing to do, has always been a bit foreign to me. i was taught by culture and socialization that being a blank slate and not allowing anyone or anything to see what was really happening WAS THE ONLY survival skill i needed in the so-called real world. white lies, creative editing of the truth and bald face lies were part of that paradigm, and of course, when i was in active addiction, i became a master of deceit. in fact i was so good at it, that i started believing that stuff myself and my lies became part of my story. as i sit here this morning, caught in recall, i am struck by how fortunate i was to finally get this whole gig and bit-by-bit, grudgingly accept that is was a course i wanted to steer. i look around and see very few of the members who were here when i got clean and cannot count the numbers of those who have come and gone. why i could get honest enough with myself to stick around for as long as i have, escapes me to this day, and i just use the convenient term of it being a miracle.
with all of that in mind, the question now becomes, how much more honest about myself can i really become? if honesty is a continuum am i approaching the long tail, where there is not much more left to reveal about myself? if that is the case, what is the process of working the steps all about?
the answer to those questions can only come from working through the steps. yes i know, it than becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, the steps allow me to become more honest as i become more honest and secure in what i know about me, than i need to discover and uncover even more of that knowledge. it is as it is supposed to be and all of this is just a huge self-reinforcing feedback cycle honesty => knowledge => recovery => step work => honesty!
so am i being honest today? well perhaps, i could add a bit more. i am scared about going back to a full-time gig. i am afraid that i am not good enough or that they will require skills beyond my ability. i am afraid that some event will occur that will limit this opportunity and i will be stuck in the same mess i am in now. i am afraid…
the sum total of all of those fears, anxieties and uncertainties are my self will running away with a simple notion, that change is scary. change is scary, but i have a THIRD STEP, that i am living and experiencing my way through today, and if i surrender my will into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, I CAN LET ALL OF THAT GO. which is where i will go in the here and now. let the FVCK go, accept that this is the opportunity i have been given, because i asked for it and do my best to fill the shoes i have been given, nothing will be beyond what i can do.
so off to a bit of yard work, than paid work, than more paid work in a smoke-filled room, a bit of service and whatever else this day happens to send my way. i can do this and i will be honest with myself about what i can get done today.

∞ DT ∞