Blog entry for:

this morning i certainly feel more than a bit ET-like, i am tired, frustrated and ready for a very long and restful time away from work. HOWEVER, i am on call starting tomorrow and this is the height of the busy season at work, so what i DESIRE and the reality of what i do to earn my daily bread are in direct conflict, which to tell the truth, sucks BIG TIME. anyone want a bit of cheese to go with that whine? how is that for telling the truth? rhetorical questions aside, when i consider what happened before i saw the vision of the person i wanted to become, the issues i am whining about are really small potatoes, i have a job, i can eat at least three square meals, i have health insurance and after my trip to many doctors i can say that “for a man my age, there are no real health issues.”
as i have written this little ditty for quite some time, it is quite apparent that my version of the “truth” has morphed, for one reason or another. i am coming to believe that my behavior of self-righteous judmentalness is a symptom of my overall insanity, not the end all, be all, i thought it was a few days ago. what i am beginning to see it is not the behaviors that are insane, although i have more than one insane behavior, it is the stories i tell myself to buttress my crumbling structure of denial, that are the “true” nature of my current version of insanity. i have the DESIRE to be the center of attention, yet i deflect all compliments and praise and do my best to cower in the shadowy corners. i want to be seen as some sort of “recovery saint” and yet do my best to prove i am just as “bad” as the rest of my peers. i want comfort and sympathy form those who know and love me, but do my best to keep them at way more than arm's length away. my litany of insanity is just getting rolling and after a moment to consider, perhaps, i would be better served to “write about it,” rather than whine about it, on-line.
shifting gears, when i spoke to one of the men i sponsor last night, i told him point blank that i hated to see him wallowing in his misery, when there may be a path out of it. i was more than a little blunt about his distractions, especially when he is talking to me. i also reminded him that he had a writing assignment and instead of complaining to me about what he could be writing about, perhaps, he too, would be better served putting pen to paper, hence my quick shift out of teh inventory of my current version of insanity. part of that is the notion that perhaps i do not need to follow my own direction, after all…
with that thought in mind, it is time to take a big long walk and clear the scruff from my head and join the so-called real world for the comfort of my home office, just for today, again!

∞ DT ∞