๐คฅ am i ๐ค
Posted: Mon, Aug 17, 2020 07:39:34 AM
telling the truth? also an interesting question for this addict. case in point, after one of my peers shared at my home group the other day, my first instinct was to jump in and play the **can you top this** game, to be the center of attention. hyperbole and telling only enough of the truth, are two of the tools i use, to sound **honest.** even though i have a few days clean, i am far from honest 100% of the time.
this morning was one of those days, where i could not sit still for my morning dip into the void. no matter how i slice or dice it, meditation was chore for me, even though i KNOW the benefits it brings to my day. i kept jumping ahead to what i have to accomplish today and dropping back to the end of the series i have been bingeing on the past few days. the end result was i did get my time done and i do feel a bit more centered. the cost, however was a loss of self-esteem,. as i kept telling myself that i was better than that and that i KNOW how to do this. sitting here and pounding this out, i realize that i am far too harsh on myself, especially when i fail to be as “spiritual” as i know i can be. honestly, forgiving myself for being human, especially in the little things, is one of the toughest tasks of any of my days. as i take a breath and allow myself the freedom to be okay, being human, i hear the stories coming from the depths of my soul, and the theme they are all echoing, is that i am not good enough to take care of myself, let alone forgive myself.
where do i go from here? well, to tell the truth, it is time to prepare for the possibility that this morning i will have a partner on my morning workout. no matter what, i am going out. beyond that fact, the future is murky, at best. i want to be okay with whatever happens and this morning, i can be. letting go of the possibilities, is the first step to me being okay and living in the here and now. i also have the DESIRE, as i walk through this day, to be better prepared to deal with the pebbles and boulders that happen to be in my path. i may not be a saint, but i am certainly more spiritually fit than i was yesterday, contrary to the evidence, i believed when i rose from my 11TH step. i am ready to face this day and have the opportunity to dip once more into the quiet as i tour the hood.
this morning was one of those days, where i could not sit still for my morning dip into the void. no matter how i slice or dice it, meditation was chore for me, even though i KNOW the benefits it brings to my day. i kept jumping ahead to what i have to accomplish today and dropping back to the end of the series i have been bingeing on the past few days. the end result was i did get my time done and i do feel a bit more centered. the cost, however was a loss of self-esteem,. as i kept telling myself that i was better than that and that i KNOW how to do this. sitting here and pounding this out, i realize that i am far too harsh on myself, especially when i fail to be as “spiritual” as i know i can be. honestly, forgiving myself for being human, especially in the little things, is one of the toughest tasks of any of my days. as i take a breath and allow myself the freedom to be okay, being human, i hear the stories coming from the depths of my soul, and the theme they are all echoing, is that i am not good enough to take care of myself, let alone forgive myself.
where do i go from here? well, to tell the truth, it is time to prepare for the possibility that this morning i will have a partner on my morning workout. no matter what, i am going out. beyond that fact, the future is murky, at best. i want to be okay with whatever happens and this morning, i can be. letting go of the possibilities, is the first step to me being okay and living in the here and now. i also have the DESIRE, as i walk through this day, to be better prepared to deal with the pebbles and boulders that happen to be in my path. i may not be a saint, but i am certainly more spiritually fit than i was yesterday, contrary to the evidence, i believed when i rose from my 11TH step. i am ready to face this day and have the opportunity to dip once more into the quiet as i tour the hood.
∞ DT ∞