Blog entry for:

FREES me to recover. it is so true that when i pay attention i hear all sorts of stuff at meetings. one of my richest sources of material for gauging where i am in my recovery and my journey towards honesty, springs from that same wellspring. if i do not want to look at the parts of myself that are not whole and healthy, well a quick trip into the rationalization of “any human attribute can be a defect,” quickly relieves that pressure. son't want to own up about being a liar and a con man, “everyone lies,” comes to the rescue. want to prove i have integrity, a quick story about how fVcking honest i was when no one was looking, quickly dismisses any sort of suspicion that i may not be whop i portray. the simple fact is, that i hid from others that which i tried the hardest to hide from myself, and only let those parts of me show, that i thought made me look better than i was. the honesty i lacked internally reflected externally in all that i did. i was fairly successful at getting away with it, for many years, but in the long run, the consequences were no deep and meaningful relationships, which was a price i was willing to pay, to continue to live my sham facsimile of life.
of course, once i got clean, i wanted to demonstrate who well i was doing, and thought that crowing about my achievements was the means to do so. after all, no one saw that good deed, that piece of cash register honesty, the $20 bill i dropped into the can of the man flying a sign, so i better let them all know. it was not until i started this round of steps, that i even had a clue that what i do is more important than anyone ever finding out about it. my sponse has me on assignment to do service, as if i would be arrested if i got caught. learning that humility means that i just do the next right thing and not worry about whether anyone sees me doing it, is the lesson i learned and one of the spiritual awakenings from this round of steps, is that practicing these principles is far more important than anyone seeing me practicing these principles in all of my affairs. ironically, when i do not care whether i get credit for doing so or not, i feel better, and more people seem to notice change within me. when i am honest, because i am living as a honest person, people trust me. when i was honest before and had to scream about how fVcking honest i was being, people seemed to trust me far less.
when i finally let go of trying to be everything for everyone and become myself, my need for recognition faded into the background noise. it is not that all of a sudden i am some sort of Mother Theresa, who just does stuff because it is my heart to do so. no i still like when someone thanks me for a kindness, a gift or just doing something that helped them through a tough time. i no longer get embarrassed when someone singles me out for recognition, because i know HONEST HUMILITY, is acknowledging what they are giving me, and moving along. living a life based on spiritual principals is its own reward and as a bonus i get to continue my journey into becoming something i could never be before.
just for today? well just for today, it is time for me to head into the office and give my employer my 8 hours of diligent and productive work, just because that is the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞