Blog entry for:

not my upbringing, or my culture, or institutions, or even other people. just this addict, who gets in his own way, far too often. i do not know how many times in recovery, i have told myself i cannot do this about all sorts of stuff. the most recent replay of that scenario was as we were ascending Kilimanjaro, about three days in. i wondered all day long if i was cut out to continue the climb and in the long run, my pride and my ego, finally got me through that hump. i may still be feeling the consequences of that fourteen thousand foot descent in two days, but i did get to the top and back down again, with a little help from those around me. of course, my bout with melanoma did little to convince me that i could survive that clean and yet, with the help of my friends and peers in recovery, i made it through the first round with my recovery intact. i was able to allow myself to accept situations that were easily once beyond my ability to cope with and come out better, and yes changed on the other side. i am certain i have some new choices yet to face as i proceed with medical professionals, into “active surveillance” but right here and right now, i am good with who i am and where i may be going.
i have more than one person in my life who is “stuck” because they do not see a path forward. i just walked with one of those folks and he was more than a bit receptive to my suggestion that maybe he should ask the questions of those who know the answers, rather that twist and turn in his head about what they may say. one of the things i needed to change after i got clean was to detect the boundary between being assertive and aggressive. i was stuck in the paradigm of being a doormat for far too long, as i was afraid of standing up assertively for myself. my fear centered around not allowing myself to change aggressiveness into something more socially and spiritually acceptable. it was easier to live in the pain of being under the heel of someone, than to tell them to FVck Off. when i finally allowed myself the freedom to find the willingness to live in a different manner, i removed that source of stress and started living life on my terms, whenever possible.
anyhow, with all of that said, i am willing to change my perspective to get a better view. i am willing to change my beliefs when they are not serving me well and i am willing to change what i do on a daily basis, when it does not work. time to get on with major unwinding and relaxing, remembering that i am the one who blocks my progress no matter how much i want to use my built-in blame-thrower.

∞ DT ∞