Blog entry for:

although sometimes my instincts still kick in and fight is what i feel is the correct thing to do. and i do necessarily mean physical flight. after all, the person to whom i was the most dishonest with, was myself. i understand that it may have been a protective thing, hiding the truth from myself probably kept me from really offing myself, but in the long run the immediate benefits of being dishonest with myself were outweighed by the damage done to my self-esteem and my picture of who and what i was.
whew!
that was quite a long sentence both figuratively after all i used for over twenty-five years and literally fifty-three words.
so in the course of lying top myself, the truth i told others needed to be edited for greatest effect. in reality the only person that i could lie to effectively was myself. so in order to project what i needed to projecct5, i would tell enough of the truth to everyone else to give them the impression that matched my current version of self. and in the long run the more i distorted that truth by careful omission, the less sure of who and what i was.
finally events in my life forced me to come to recovery and i finally learned who and what i was -- and the first part of that was accepting as fact that i was an addict and if i wanted to know who i was i would have to find a new manner in which to live.
well i have found that new manner of living, i have learned to stop lying to myself and i am learning how to tell the whole truth to those around me. and that truth is that i am a person who is recovering from a fatal disease and that i can live a long productive life, if i choose to do what i need to do to continue my recovery. sounds simple and it is, but it is far from easy -- it just is what it is and nothing more!

∞ DT ∞