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i lived like an alien being on my own planet. on some days, it is quite easy to feel that way again, especially when i see the idiotic, self-entitled and self-absorbed things others do, especially when driving. SURPRISE, the only reason i notice it, is because i am suffering from a similar malady, beyond simple addiction, i suffer from “the world must bend to my will” that is see manifest all over the fVcking place, these days. somewhere, some how, probably from popular culture, the message has come down, that the rest of the world is unimportant, it is my personal needs, desires, and wishes that override any sense of decorum, courtesy or prudence. if i have tired of the car i am driving, well there is an app for that, and easy money available no matter how terrible the risk. if i do not like my teeth, my nose, the amount of belly fat i am carrying around, well there is a quick fix for all of that, available on an easy payment plan, once again regardless of my credit worthiness, after all, this is all about how i feel right now, and who knows tomorrow i may come to my senses, and realize that i have been brainwashed into extending addiction into a life of self-entitled, instant gratification.
ironically as it is, especially for someone so freakin' concerned about appearances, the thing that struck me about the movie American Hustle, was their obsession with hair and how things looked. that film had more to offer, but the detail i noticed again and again was the hair. today, as i ponder that idea, it reminds me of the idea that people believe and see what they want to, and not necessarily what is really going on. in the film, illusion is everything for the characters, and in the end, illusion destroys, when the masters of illusion take their revenge.
life in active recovery, has echoes of that same theme. i want to be clean, so i do what i need to to stay clean, but the part of me i call addiction wants me to be satisfying every itch with a thousand gallons of material or behavioral calamine lotion. feeling depressed? why don't i do what i see everyone else doing, and go buy a new car, after all, when i was using, i never had the ability to do so, so now i OWE myself satisfying every little whim and desire that comes down the pike. i am now part of mainstream society, i might as well start acting like it! the truth is, that as much as it looks like i am one of the other 85%, and quite truthfully, i have come quite close to emulating that life, i will never, ever be a member of that group. i can certainly make others of that group see me as one of them. the con i was so desperate to pull-off in active addiction, is the reality of my life today. the feeling of being an alien on my home planet, has not gone away, i still feel it, but instead of the scream about how i can never fit in here, ringing in my head, twenty-four hours a day, it is a whisper that occurs from time to time, throughout my day. as society and popular culture emulate addiction more and more. i feel less and less like an outsider and more and more like developing a scam that plays into this part of the mass media culture. the other 85% is becoming more like me, and as a result i feel that i should and could take advantage of the new world order, after all, i already paid the price of active addiction, ins't time for me to extract my pound of flesh from the so-called normal world?
s one can honestly see, the truth does not quite set me free, but actually leads down dark and nasty lanes, that only the light of active recovery can free me from. the part of me that i call addiction, had already sussed out the ways and means to get what it thinks it needs and wants and only the power of the fellowship and the POWER that fuels my recovery, can counter the sly and insidious arguments about the shape of my life today. i NEED the fellowship, probably more than they need me, because as my friends have amply demonstrated, a dip into the active addiction pool will more than likely not end well for me. the time has come to sign-off and get into my next activity this bright and cheery Sunday morning. it is a good day to be clean and most importantly to show what i really am, not the over made up illusion i want to project, yes my hair may be perfect, but i spent absolutely no time doing it.

∞ DT ∞