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today, i will take time to ask myself, **am i telling the truth?**
what a very slippery subject, the truth. well at least this morning, this is not about THE TRUTH, as i am not in the mood to write about that this morning. hiding myself from the world at large, as well as those people close enough to make a difference in my life, was just something i learned to do, more than likely, before i picked up that very first time. that first time, by the way, tripped a trigger, ans i now know that i was an addict from the moment i first got high. that little piece of truth, while inconvenient and seemingly in conflict with the literature, is what this whole trip has been about. the movement that change was upon me, my life was so radically altered, that doing stuff that violated my core values, became second nature to me, and like learning to hide who i was, it became easier, and more automatic as time went by and i practiced my active addiction.
this morning, quite truthfully, i am trying to squeeze this in, before heading out to Sterling for some time with one of the men who i sponsor. as a result, i feel a bit rushed and scattered as i do not think i have the time, to ponder and revise this brain dump. how is that for the truth. i am writing this so i look good, but trying to phone it in, so i can meet my commitments.
interesting behavior, it is revealing of exactly where i am in my personal program of recovery. i want more, but do not want to open the can of worms that is STEP SIX. like an ostrich, i hide my spiritual head in the sand, hoping that if i ignore something for long enough, it will just go away. and it will, one way or another, and i certainly will not be pleased with the results, as i have discovered in the course of my recovery.
speaking of which, i guess i better just hit the showers and start out on my journey to the northeast plains of Colorado. i really have lost the focus of what i was going to say.

∞ DT ∞