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i can and do recover from our addiction. and that is more than enough. so am i jealous of my peers and friends who get asked to speak all the time, because they are more entertaining than i am, sometimes. to say anything less would be a lie. but more and more the desire to be asked to speak anywhere is fading from my immediate consciousness, it must be a part of growing up in recovery. either that, or a symptom of the part of me i call my addict. after all, that part tells me i am not good enough to be asked to speak, and uses the lack of a constant stream of speaking invitations as evidence of that less than mental masturbation. after all, if i really carried a message of HOPE, whether or not i was a compelling, or entertaining speaker would not matter.
so back to the top!
or it could be a result of my active recovery. the evidence that i am than adequate to carry the message is that i am asked to be a sponsor on a fairly regular basis, by men who do not even live close to me, based on a brief share in a meeting far from my home group. so something in what i said must have been more than hopeful or compelling enough to attract them to me.
or it could be a mixture of the addict part and the result of living a program of active recovery, that has diminished my need to be heard, which is more likely the case.
yes it would be wonderful to be a main speaker at the world convention, or a large regional or area convention. BUT, holding my breath and trying out to be a circuit speaker is no longer part of who i am today. today, i am just another addict in recovery, who has a voice and something to share. i know what i have to share has value, and whether it is a five minute puke at my home group or an hour and a half at the dais, it does not matter today. of course some would argue that just mentioning it, is evidence of a desire, and they would be right. the desire to be asked is there, the desire to do the footwork, however is not. i am quite content being a small fish in a large pond these days, and it is nice to have the spotlight shining elsewhere for now. it is a good day to be content with who i am and what i have accomplished. so on that hopeful note, it is off to hit the pavement. adios!

∞ DT ∞