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so my story does not include any international adventures to get a whole lot of sumthing, sumthing. there are no gun or knife fights, i certainly was never offered a scholarship at West Point and i never was a Scar Face sort of criminal kingpin. in fact my using days were pretty mellow compared to what i hear around the rooms and during conventions. i am not saying that those speakers choose to share anything but what honestly happened, no what i am saying is that what they share was not my experience.
as i drifted, day by day, through the mundane reality of having the need and the desire to get high at least once a day, i realize that i was truly desperate when i got to the rooms. i may not have been ready to try anything that was suggested, but i was certainly ready for a change, i just did not know it yet. sometimes i feel as if i was not “bad” enough to be in recovery and then i realize, most of my peers shared an experience more common to mine, than the glamorous tales that the “hot” convention circuit speakers tell. my life, as boring and uneventful as it was, is probably closer to the norm, than theirs, but none of that really matters, my life was bad enough that eventually i found my path to recovery. it was not like i came here and started doing everything that was suggested.. i kept a clean date for each substance i used, up until i was thirteen months clean. i played the “anda” card for that same period of time. i made sure i “looked” and sounded as if i was in recovery, but in reality i was playing a final role, my swansong as it were, of my active addiction. why i held on for so long to the notion that i was not here to stay, is beyond my ken, certainly a part of me, wanted to return to that life and sample the more glamorous part that included all that i missed out on before, after all, now i was criminal, it was time to act the part.
the turning point in my life and my recovery came at about eighteen months clean, after i started toi serve the fellowship that has become my home, i finally decided that abstinence and acting “recovered” was not going to work out for me, and it was time for something different. that was an ah-ha moment that lasted a month, but once the sonic boom of pulling my head out of my bunghole faded, i saw that i could rebuild my life, leave the lobby and become something i never thought was possible and open and honest human being.
today, i could give a rat's a$$ about the lack of holiday motif on a retail giant's coffee cup or the hundreds of other ideas that are shrilly being shoved down my throat on a daily basis. in fact, the louder they become, the less relevance they have in my life, and i see the as a group of a dying prima donna, day by day becoming less relevant to the world in general. as addiction became less relevant in my life, that part of me kept screaming that i need to get the fVck out of the rooms, and into the life, after all, there were many “yets” left to explore. i still have those “yets” left to explore and today is not a good day to do so. no today i thin k i will revel in my story and celebrate the transformation that has occurred. from a die hard, close-minded biased agnostic and addict, to a card carrying member of the No Matter What club, that transformation is ongoing today. i may not be part of the Western notion of a HIGHER POWER that is the norm in the rooms, but rest assured i have FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery, will provide for my spiritual needs today, if i allow that POWER into my life and pay attention to what life throws at me. which right here and right now, means it is time to sytart the process of getting down to my place of employment, to earn the pay they give me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞