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these days, it seems all i can do is whine about how it sucks to be me and in that, the only HOPE anyone could possibly find, is that i continue to trudge along this path of recovery, living an active program and staying clean. for some, that may be enough, as i have yet to go down the path of **at least i have not ...**
for me, being miserable is not a state of being i enjoy, although in active addiction, it seemed to be my default mode of feeling. nothing was good enough. i was denied what i thought i was entitled to having. everyone was better off than me and the drugs may have softened ALL of that internal angst and strife, but getting high never “cured” anything. walking around in the figurative rain of the storm of that life was a condition i came to tolerate and although i am not a fan of fate or destiny, i came to believe that would be the state of my life, until i shuffled off this mortal coil.
after a couple of nights of very little sleep and a couple weeks of looooooong days in front of my computer, it feels as if i could quite easily slip back into the pattern of misery that permeated my life before recovery. i know that i am reacting emotionally to a physical state and knowing that does not help. what does seem to lift me out of my “funk” is asking about how those who are running the infinite and very quiet meetings are dealing with the catastrophic weather events that the Philippines have experienced the past few weeks. for a minute, at least i get to think of someone else. even though i will not be able to work out until later this afternoon, just putting down in bits and bytes, the stuff i am feeling, is getting rid of some of the my reactions to the version of life i currently am experiencing.
now that i have accepted that today will be one of alternate plans, i can breathe a bit easier and allow myself the freedom to allow the events of this day to unfold as they will. just for right now, i know that i have the power to stay clean, because i have asked for and accepted that power from the POWER that fuels my recovery. the HOPE i feel today, is that i can move forward through my perceived pain and misery and allow myself the luxury of admitting i am exhausted, physically and mentally. so it is off to the showers and then a quick sneak out to the coffee shop for my daily caffeinated beverage. i may be on infinite meetings filled with dead air today, but i am clean, i am healthy and i can make choices today, to see things in a different light.

∞ DT ∞