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i was once so sure, i would be one of those convention circuit speakers who would have to turn down invitations to speak all across the world. well, that someday has yet to come and these days, i am more than certain that it will not. after a long minute in recovery, that is more than perfectly okay, as i am certain of who i am and have more than a clue or two about where i am going. when i share, in my home group or elsewhere, all i have to offer is my own experience, strength and hope. some of the time, i can drive those i share with to tears, other times to a bit of laughter, but i am certain that almost all the time, those who hear what i have to offer, understand and empathize with what it took for me to get clean, accept recovery in my life and become whole for the first time in a very long time.
i have to admit, that over the past few days, i have been “phoning” this exercise in. oh, i can enter a hundred and one excuses for doing so, and none of them would approach the truth, i was just writing for the sake of writing. i was not actually writing about what i feel nor where i thought i was going. i strung together a few clichés and slogans, put on my best face and trotted off to live my day. this morning, as i sat, it came crashing down on on me that i was feeling a whole lot more than i was showing.
first and foremost, i have been going over the interaction with the man who wished me to be his “virtual” sponsor. i may not have been perfectly fair with him, as i was seeking a way out of having to honor a commitment, to which i did not need to accept. the reality is that i tried this long distance, on screen relation ship with him in the past and it did not work for either one of us. for me, i felt as if i was being lazy and just going through the motions. for him? well, i cannot say for certain and will not go there. suffice it to say, that once bitten, twice shy, ended up being my go to. i do not like to leave anyone hanging, but perhaps, in this instance, it will drive him to actually figuring out how to do recovery in person, rather than on line. that is not my stuff. my stuff is knowing what is the next correct thing for me and i am more certain today, than i was a week ago, that i have gone in the correct direction.
i have been talking about how the election results have thrown me for a loop, and they have. today, i can no longer allow myself to wallow in despair about something that i applied my full power to and did my part. today, i will walk with my head held high, accomplish what i need to accomplish and be okay knowing that things will more than likely work out, at least in my immediate world and just for today.

∞ DT ∞