Blog entry for:

may identify with who i am and how i got to this spot in my life. i know that many time before i have written about being everything for everyone and never being anything for anyone. i still have the DESIRE to be a“hot” speaker on the convention circuit, desire however does not equal ability. i stumble around when i speak at length because my mind goes way faster than i speak, and when it comes time to pop out that particular gem of wisdom i had been polishing up, i find that i have already forgotten it. so a “you know,” or an “uhhh” is what comes out, that is the reality of my experience and today i am quite content living in that world. sure, i could take a course in public speaking or join toastmasters to polish up my speaking skills, and perhaps one day, i might do that, not today. today, i am quite content to carry my unique message to smaller groups and one-on-one.
okay i can hear my own voice, screaming in my head, that this is settling for being second best, one more time. my message is just as germane to the many as it is to the few, and IF i truly DESIRE to be a circuit speaker, than i should look for the ways and means to make that become reality. the question then becomes, is this truly and honestly what i desire? is this just a fantasy born out of the envy and jealousy i felt at all the attention those in the limelight get? it is true, that attention was my first “drug” and i have never totally lost the desire to be the center of attention, the life of the party, the person most sought out and the object of everyone's adulation. when i write that down, it even seems more ludicrous than it did in my head and yet it has more than an element of truth to it, when attention was not enough, than substances took over. now that substances are gone and spending money does not do the trick, the ancient mariner of what i desire, returns to the center ring of the circus that is my internal landscape. certainly more than an interesting, pause for thought.
so IF i want to speak at a workshop or big meeting next year, what footwork do i need to do? well i could get the recording of my last share and submit it. IF i was to do that, could i let go of the results, or would i get all butt-hurt when i was not chosen to speak? that is something i need to ponder, before i act on it. just for today, i will work with those who ask for my direction and be okay getting done what needs to get done today, and perhaps i did not overthink my fantasy football too much and can pull off another win. i better go in one more time now that the injury reports are out, because i am sort of obsessed by all of this today.

∞ DT ∞