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is quite confusing these days, as i am not quite sure what is my reality and what is the fantasy created by living a lie. what i DO know, is that i am clean today and have been clean for a few thousand days in a row, even though getting clean and more importantly staying clean, was not my plan, way back when. sitting here this morning, i can state that i am no longer envious or jealous of my peers who decided to get clean because they were tired of the way they were living and the effect it was having on those around them. once upon a time, i had the desire to match their misery, blow for blow, when i shared the story of my journey to recovery, but that need has faded as i stayed clean and learned to live a program of recovery. the simple fact of my life, was that i was clueless about what living without getting high was all about, and i saw nothing wrong how i was living. i was blind to the damage i was doing, because i cut off most of the world from being anywhere close to me. so it was and so it would have continued until i met my demise, probably with a needle in my arm, in a room that i was renting, from someone who may have considered me their friend.
this morning, even through the smoke and mirrors of who i projected being, i am starting to feel a bit more in touch with who i am becoming. decades of believing i was too broken to be a part of society and using drugs to soften that blow, has taken its toll on me, spiritually and emotionally. it is a curiosity that as i became more spiritually fit, i became more emotionally fit. even if i am not an addict, a possibility i do consider from time to time, the question remains as to whether or not i want to give up the life i have developed by being a member and learning to live a program of recovery. looking at what i have the ability to become, even at this stage in the game, is exciting. i know now that my story is far from finished, at least as far as i am concerned. my new job is stretching the limits of what i do professionally and raising my voice to counter self-will run riot in service, demonstrates that as i live in the skin i have been given, there is more left to uncover, under the dung heap created by the decades of being who i was not.
this morning, as i wrap this up and prepare to get out into the chilly Colorado morning, i know that i am on the right course, at least for me. i can stand-up for myself and say “no” when i need to, and i do not have to feel “bad” about doing so. it is a good day to be who i am and live my own story, not the version i want the world to see.

∞ DT ∞