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that is enough! with that sort of lead in, i can certainly project that one might be wondering what i am getting **enough** of? it it is not WHAT i am getting, but rather what i am being and that is just being myself. stuff that i heard in the few hours i was at convention yesterday, echoed through me this morning and popped off the stack as i was walking on this frigid and frosty November morning. what i realized was that were still some parts of me and what i feel that were walled off and being suppressed. as i am coming to believe that i am worth being and showing who i am, i certainly need to open those up and see what is there.
as i spoke with my sponse yesterday,, he said a whole lot and most of it was stuff that was just chatting. as i sat this morning and as i walked one of the things he said came shooting up to the surface and set off a reaction that i need to examine. i mentioned my once upon a time sponsee who is headed back to prison. i spoke of our correspondence and my hesitancy to continue being his sponsor and his hesitancy to being in recovery. he stated in his letter that he knew that i had invested a lot of my time and resources in sponsoring him and was sorry that it may all have been for naught. i know that he was parroting back something i probably said more than once to him, across the course of our relationship.my sponse suggested that it was not the money or time that was important, but rather it was the part of myself i gave to my sponsee that was the real loss. when that statement “hit” me this morning, i realized that yes, once again, Carlos was correct and i was feeling the sting of being betrayed and disrespected, even though i never really was. i am not sure whether or not i am going to continue in this relationship, but the one thing i do know, is that i will not sponsor him, because i shame myself into doing so. that story goes down this sort of path: if i pull-out of the relationship, he will feel abandoned and revert to his previous using self, and if he dies or ends up in worse trouble it will be all my fault. as crazed as that sounds, it makes sense to this addict brain that believes it has far more power than it really does.
certainly something to consider as i get ready to go over to my home group and participate in a meeting. i will be going back to convention this afternoon and who knows what other new and different ideas i will pick-up as a result. i know today that i will no longer waste my time chasing the smoke and mirrors i conceive to hide what is really going on. i am okay and it is more than enough to be myself, show myself and allow the world to react in whatever manner it chooses, after all, i really have little to no power in that.

∞ DT ∞