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i can and do recover from addiction, and just for today that is more than enough. i am still not a **hot convention** speaker even after days and days of doing this gig one day at a time, today, i have no regrets about that, even though at one time that was an ambition of mine. today, i am grateful i can carry the message that any addict, regardless of their circumstances, can find a new to live.
as i sat quietly this morning, i flashed back to the meeting last night, and what was shared by the members present. i actually heard a lot of stuff, some good, some, well some i thought i could have gone without hearing. the judge, however was not in my head, and i actually listened to what was being shared, without practicing my rebuttal, although when i shared there was a rebuttal in my content. one of the members, who is a recent addition to our fellowship but who has been doing this gig for some time said something i did not not know how to respond to, so i left it on the table. they spoke of clean time as being irrelevant and just a number. they also said, that during a relapse, they did not lose their recovery, just changed their clean date. this morning, it struck me as a very dangerous attitude and one that i find abhorrent to me. as i am working with a sponsee who is frequently relapses, reading through the chapter about relapse, i am discovering that telling myself that a relapse is okay, is not okay. it is a lie. relapse is never okay, nor should i ever believe it to be. if i were to relapse, it would be because i lacked the recovery to get me through whatever it is that life has thrown at me. relapse is a symptom, that i have missed something crucial and critical and that i NEED to examine my program to discover what is missing, even if it just the notion that clean time equals recovery.
clean time, while an indication that something is going right in my recovery process, is not the only indication that i am in recovery. for me, thousands of days clean, is just that thousands of days clean and much more than just a number. it can be a measure of HOPE, that if i have done it for so long, that i can do it today as well. it is true, most of the stuff i did way back when, i still do today. i have become habituated to my recovery routine, and most days, even when the “fVck it and run” attitude is upon me, i rely on that routine and its structure, to get me through the rough patches. it is because of those days clean, not despite them, that i can make the decision to do whatever it takes today, to live a program of active recovery.
yes, the fellowship has mellowed over the years, and for me, some of that touchy-feely stuff is dangerous. treading the fine line between being welcoming and instilling a fearful respect for the horrors of active addiction, has become paramount in my mind, when i share in meetings. i want the newcomer to keep coming back, my life depends on it, but i also want the newcomer to keep coming back CLEAN, as my life depends on that as well. being nostalgic for the early days of the fellowship in my home town, is far from productive. being a foil to the counselors that have invaded the rooms, however can be and will continue to be the direction i tend to go. knowing what i know, feeling what i feel, is a product of all those days i did not use, whether or not i was working a program of active recovery or not, some of those days, my darkest ones, are a testament that this program works despite me, all i have to do, is not use no matter what and things will change.
although i know i am preaching to the choir here, i do have a point, and that point is that clean time, recovery and what i have been given, are the symptoms of HOPE. this addict was on his way out, in fact i was diagnosed as being in end stage addiction way back when, and the evidence i have seen implies that is where i would be, the moment i decided to return to the so-called life i once had. i am grateful today, for those hardliners, who instilled in me a healthy fear of relapse. even though i spent the better part of my recovery working a fear based program, today as i have moved to a HOPE based one. today, i find comfort in knowing what could have been, did not have to be, and what could be is based on what i do today. it is a good day to recover and my HOPE is that no matter what happens i can walk the path of active recovery for the next 15 hours or so and end up clean tonight. that is not some sort of pipe dream, but i need to work to make it happen, which reminds me, i do have stuff to do today, to earn my daily bread.

∞ DT ∞