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more importantly, i demonstrate the humility i have learned in living this program of recovery. i know, when i talk about how i demonstrate humility, i am NOT demonstrating humility, or at least that is how the theory goes. in order to be humble, one must downplay the changes, minimize their effort and generally act as if nothing has changed since the day they walked into the rooms, anything else is demonstration of self-willed ego. to all of that i say BULLSH!T!
i am tired of having to hide my light under a bushel, just to appear like everyone else. i am tired of mouthing the same tired clichés just because i do not want to appear more intelligent, or more clever or more original than anyone else. i am so tired of trying to blend in that there are times when this whole recovery gig feels like it is the same sort of façade that i walked in with. the most amazing part, is that no matter how far i search i cannot find anywhere in our literature that tells me such behavior is okay. in fact, what i discover is over and over again, i am told by the written word to be who i am, accept myself for who i am right here and right now, take credit for my accomplishments WHILE acknowledging the source for fueling that change.
how on earth, does any of this relate to the topic at hand -- namely honestly sharing my own story? well there are times when i feel pressure to alter my story to fit exigent circumstances, after all, if i am sharing for the newcomer, i certainly cannot talk about being on my 4th incarnation of STEP TWO. if i do, than what message am i giving? that no matter how many days i have clean, no matter how many meetings i go to, no matter how many steps i work, i am still an addict and a work in progress. what exactly is wrong with that? how does that diminish the HOPE a newcomer may just be beginning to feel? i know i have ranted this rant before, today, i feel it with a sense of urgency. just as part of my vision of sanity means shedding my perceptions of reality for reality itself, it also means that the time has come to cast off the shackles of the culture of the fellowship that i choose to find a new way of living in. i am responsible for my recovery, it tells me that in the literature. if i accept that responsibility, that means i can also take credit for my recovery, after all, TODAY i made a choice that I WAS GOING TO STAY CLEAN, NO MATTER WHAT. i made that choice for myself, without outside coercion, and with a clear mind. i understand that there is stuff to do, as I CANNOT STAY CLEAN UNDER MY OWN POWER. as a result i invite, implore and ask a POWER greater than myself to give my what i need to accomplish that task. i know that i will get that and so much more, my job is to open to those gifts, accept them or reject them as they are manifest in my life and move forward to the next task. my job is to be present in the here and now. my job is to give away what i have been so freely given -- the secret to this new way of living. and my job is to be the best Don i can be today. all else is irrelevant. so how i look, what others may think of me, and how well i conform to the standard model is just garbage that is tied up in my current form of insanity. i am coming to believe that a POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF can and will restore me to sanity, and i have glimpsed what that sanity may be.
with that i do believe i will move on to the tiny fire i found smoldering this morning and get it put out. life is after all, seines of choices and tasks, and my is no different than anyone else's in that respect.

∞ DT ∞