Blog entry for:

my experiences, positive, negative or indifferent, have influenced who i am today. so on a quick reading this morning, i can see how this may be about the tenth step. i can also see how it is about forgiving myself for making mistakes, or even, gasp, the condition of being human. yes it could have been about any of that for me, what i heard was acceptance of the man i am right now, and of the path to the man i always wanted to be. so before i launch into the acceptance part, i will address those two issues first. i will always make mistakes, that is part of being human, and also part of life in recovery. if i do not want to make any mistakes, than i have to stop taking risks. if i stop taking risks, i will not ever learn what i can or cannot accomplish, and my growth as a person and a recovering addict will cease. when that growth ceases, then i will become as miserable as i was when i walked into the rooms, and that alternative is not acceptable to me. so what that leads to is i have to accpet that being human and making mistakes is part of who i am, and it is a choice i make on a conscious basis every day. it is my daily inventory that puts my daily experiences into perspective, allowing me to accept who i am, at that very moment. sure there is always a thing or three i could have dome better, but there is also probably many things i did adequately, or gasp, even superlatively! for me to add any additional weight to the experiences i am proud of, over those i am ashamed of, will lead me back into the delusional state that my denial system was built to encourage and protect.
so where does that leave me? well for one, the man i want to be will never get old, frail and weak. not that i can do anything to prevent my physical body from reaching that state, well there are some things that may help, and some steps i have been taking to aid me in the process of slowing my physical aging, and i am doing those things on a daily basis, because i have accepted that i have been given the gift of a life free from active addiction, and it is up to me to decide whether to respect the GIVER and take care of it or not. no what i am talking about is my emotional and spiritual condition. i do not want to be old in my attitude. i want to remain open-minded and teachable until the moment i draw my last breath, accumulating experiences and integrating them into the person i am becoming, as i do not want that process to cease. the process of becoming, that is, i would love the physical aging process to stop, but alas, that is something i must also accept. so i can quite easily see, that using a daily tenth step is my path to forgiving myself and for congratulating myself, for what i did over the course of my waking life that day. forgiving myself, and getting my day into perspective is a necessary part on the path of accepting myself. for me, right here and right now accepting myself, exactly as i am is the important task. letting go of whether others respect me, value my ideas, or even like me, is part of that, and in reality is totally irrelevant. the only opinion that really matters is mine, and on that cheery not i will step off and into the shower, after all, someone has to bring in the bread that sustains me.

∞ DT ∞