Blog entry for:

is because of what i have lived through, not despite those experiences. i have often wanted to erase my past, just delete those experiences that feel shameful or humiliating. trust me when i say i have a sh*t ton of those across the sixty-one years of my life. even after getting clean and committing to a program, i have hardly lived without guilt, shame and humiliation. as much as i DESIRE to creatively edit my past, today i can accept that as part of who i am and not the action of some “demon” possessing me and make me do things i never wanted to do. i finally stopped playing the genetics and addict victim cards and decided to own what i am, and who i once was, and that has been a very slow process. i relished the idea, for the longest time, that somehow, addiction was the blame for all that happened to me, that was “” and i was responsible for all the good. as it ended up it was me that worked both sides of the coin and it was me that ended up where i am today.
i often state, that i am not the same man that walked into the rooms. the simple fact is that of course i am the same person, what is different is how i look at myself and my relationship to the world around me. where once i lived in entitlement and blame, i now have learned how to take responsibility and own what is mine. where once i isolated and insulated myself from those who were in my life, i now allow others to see who and what i am. i may still seek an easier, and softer way, but i am not determined to find it. where once i was driven to look “perfect” and “know it all,” today i am satisfied showing my flaws and admitting the depth of what i do not know. where once i thought i was “good” not having someone in my life, today i feel lonely, when she is away. and where once i was too “intelligent” to buy into twelve step recovery, i now live a life guided by its principles. addiction may have warped my notions and perspectives out of shape, but in reality, addiction took what was there and i willingly accepted the changes that manifest in my life.
before i get to yippy-skippy, i will say this: i may no longer be haunted by my past, but there are certainly more than a few things i would still DESIRE to change. what i KNOW today, is that my past is immutable and living with that, is more than enough acceptance to get me through another twenty-four. time to get into some football and enjoy my last day of being on-call.

∞ DT ∞