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well it looks like i am or already have joined the Step of the Year club! based on my writings a year ago, i started my ELEVENTH STEP, or at least i thought i was going to start it. that is however beside the point, as i know that soon enough, i will finally arrive on STEP TWELVE..
this past year, or at least the process of this step, has been more of a journey of “un-covery,” rather than discovery. nothing i have uncovered in the past few years is new or different, in fact most of it is so old and stale, that it should have been pitched out several step cycles ago. it is, however what it is, and i am who i am.
coming back to the notion of recovery being a journey that uncovers all that i have so neatly buried away, and looking for what i may be carrying to the still suffering, i really am struck by how this ELEVENTH STEP has changed who i am. there was no drastic shifts in perception and it was not as if i suddenly switched paths. no i feel that the revelations of my spiritual exploration are an outgrowth of me trying what looked like the middle of the road approach. ha]d i not gone for the common notions, and tried them with an open mind, i would have ended-up stuck with a resentment towards GOD, even though i lacked any belief in HIM as a HIGHER POWER. going to the middle in that journey, allows me to go to the edges, on this side of my STEP ELEVEN. my peers can believe what they believe and i need no worry if it does not fit my view of that side of life. nor do i care what they judge my spiritual path to be. it is because of this journey, that i am still in the rooms, because truthfully, i have not even had a desire to use, for quite some time. yes,, you read that correctly, despite what seems to be a common theme in the rooms lately, that no matter how long one has been clean, the desire to use, even cravings are common. well for me, that is NOT a part of my daily life. even using thoughts are few and far between, often days or weeks between them. why i am so different than some of my peers in this respect, i do not know, nor do i lord it over others, as if i am somehow working a superior program. thew facts are just facts. the POWER that fuels my recovery, provides all i need, when i wake up and look for it. that POWER also has given me the insight into myself, to realize that lack of the desire to use, is not a symptom of being “cured.”i am starting to see where many of my compatriots across the years have disappeared to: life after addiction.
it si an interesting notion, and for me, life after addiction includes an active program of recovery in the here and now. yes my step work may not move at the pace it once did. yes, i may not make a daily meeting. and yes, i may even choose to hang somewhere else, instead of a meeting from time to time. what i also choose, is to remain a part of the fellowship and practice this manner of living, so i can have yet another day clean. it is because of my peers and their examples that i have what i have. for me to share i have the desire to use, or cravings, would be false humility. to share the opposite, well i will have to ponder that for just a minute before making that pronouncement. i can say this, everything i have uncovered and discovered is making the person i want to be.

∞ DT ∞