Blog entry for:

has certainly been shaped by where i have been, what i have seen and how i was taught to view the world. all of these **influences** brought me to a place in my life where i quite certain of who i was and where i was going. the sad fact of my life, was neither of those were true. i hid who i was, to get what i needed to get: be it affection, attention, companionship or my next fix. and i certainly had no clue what i needed to do, to create the life i always had desired. the ironic part of what i heard this morning, was that it is my identity that i am writing about in my current FOURTH STEP. even after a few days clean, i am still uncovering the influences i misinterpreted and took for the TRUTH, for all these decades. as i clean-up after my team mates this morning, instead of seething in anger and calling them all sorts of unseemly names, i accept that they are human and are quite capable of making a mistake or two. i am clueless why i am so calm and collected today, but before my goodwill wears off, i will move along.
one thing i realized last night, after meeting with a “ZOOM-era” sponsee, was that i am not “connecting” with him. we have met face-to-face, several times and he is working steps, so i am at a loss for what is happening with me. it is not as if i must develop a friendship with the men i sponsor, but i seem to require, some sort of connection. what came to me, as i did my TENTH STEP last night, is that maybe i am trying too hard to develop something that arises naturally. i am forcing an event to conform to my expectation and the more i push myself, the further away that goal seems to get. what i txtd him last night was that i was going to “cease fighting” and go with the flow. this morning, as i sat, that notion popped to the top of the stack and although i did not get any clarity, what i did get was a feeling that maybe, just maybe, all i have to do is let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to present me with the opportunity to grow into this connection, after all, he does not know me at all, either.
right here and right now, i do believe that i will move into this day, by getting some miles in and allowing myself the freedom to be away from my computer and the world in general for about an hour. yes plague times are about to get a whole lot worse again and yes i am less than thrilled about having to work at night the next few evenings, BUT as i said yesterday, this too shall pass, if i allow it to, just for today.

∞ DT ∞