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i will find hope for the future. the seed i chose, oh so carefully, this morning, seems at odds with this JUST FOR TODAY program. it speaks explicitly about yesterday and tomorrow and as i get rolling here, i will do my best to reconcile it in my own head. the reading in and of itself, spoke about the yardstick by which to compare myself. not the brutal yardstick of how far i have to go, nor the yardstick of others' outside appearances, but the yardstick of how far i have come, from that very first day i finally made the decision to do my best to live a program of active recovery. i could go back even further, to the day that i finally decided that i was going to stay clean no matter what. yes i was a HOT MESS, MY LIFE WAS CERTAINLY UNMANAGEABLE and i was ready to make a change or two, as long as it did not interfere with my plan of action at that time. that plan? to get off paper and return to the life. ironically, that plan got abandoned after about 18 months clean and it never really got replaced with anything even close. clean time and a step or 12, changed my mind about going back, and although at that time, my life was far from perfect, it was perfect enough to keep doing this gig, one day at a time, evaluate the results and decide where to go from there. that is still my plan, but as a result of those early decisions, i can look to where i have come from and possibly where i am going. and yet, i have not brought this in to the here and now.
the reading also spoke of a daily inventory, following the structure of the TENTH STEP. after a short break to take care of my household chores, i am once again ready to move forward. it is the TENTH STEP that bridges the gap between what i was and what i am becoming, and ties my past to the present, and provides me hope for my future. it IS the place where i can do comparisons, in a healthy context, rather than one that indicates i am not good enough, or the best at anything. what i learn is that i am the BEST recovering addict i can be today, IF i allow myself to be honest, open-minded and willing. this whole measuring myself against arbitrary and often capricious standards, is part of what is blocking me from the grace of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i think i SHOULD be better, instead of looking at how i CAN get better, based on where i am right now. the addict i shot down the other night? well, there is a TENTH STEP action waiting in my future for him. i kn ow what i have to do, and how I NEED to encourage him, instead of being dismissive. maybe he will make it there after all, i am not the only one getting better these days, and that is a good thing.
right here and right now, i am willing to take action, do a bit of work, look over my fantasy picks, make time for the Broncos and be the best person, i can possibly be, in the here and now. when the time comes tonight i will look over my day and see what needs improvement and where i really am on my journey to this new way of life.

∞ DT ∞