Blog entry for:

all aspects of myself feels doubly important these days, as the SIXTH STEP works me over. now that i have a job that is permanently working from home, i certainly have been spending far too much time alone and without a whole lot of social interaction. one of the things about me that i am uncovering as it were, is i really do not like being patronized and hate to have others exercise their approval-seeking behavior on me. in fact, i am becoming quite intolerant of that, as it reminds me of myself and how pathetic i feel when i “need” to get outside validation of who i am. of course, just like myself, those whop are engaged in that behavior, are totally oblivious to being so and wonder why i pull back instead of embracing them, after all, are they not giving me what they think i desire?
as i am coming up on my overdue review, i am a bit nervous and beginning to wonder if i am reading the “tea leaves” wrong and i am about to be in the job market again. i know that this is an over-reaction to my own negative sense of self, the one i developed and fostered for decades, living a lie. as true as that may be, the voices of self-doubt and not being good enough are hard ones for me to ignore. that dialogue is familiar and may not be comfortable, but it all i have known for what feels like forever. stepping beyond what was, is certainly a great task for me and that means accepting what is and what may be, at least when it comes to my identity and how i interact with the world around me. as much as i hate STEP SIX, it is time for me to embrace the process and allow myself the freedom to let go and accept who i am right here and right now.
as i prepare to step out into this frigid morning, i can be assured that as long as i keep up with what i am doing, spiritually, physically, emotionally and intellectually, i will continue to become more accepting of who i am and get a better glimpse at who i may be becoming. i know today that my self-worth is not reliant on what i think others may think. i am worth taking care of, of being employed in a challenging position and enjoying a healthy-ish lifestyle, just for today.

∞ DT ∞