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each day i will learn something new that will help me tomorrow. well my time on my first contract is up today. as tough as it is for me to change, there is a part of me that is excited about moving into a new position and reinventing myself. once again. i know, i know as Shakespeare said: “to thine own self be true,” but even Hamlet had a bit of trouble figuring out who he was and whether or not he wanted to move forward into tomorrow.
literary references aside, the reading talks about discovering who i am, and i tend to look at it as more of an uncovering of who i am. i am a detective looking for clues that will lead me to the missing Don, rather than and explorer venturing across ‘terra icognita’ looking for the Don that has yet to be found. so it is fitting that as ni end on social role and commence on another i feel a bit of anxiety about the change as well as a bit of excitement about being dropped into a new social situation. of course, the addict within is going nucking futz, trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. that part of me, the one that used to be such a chameleon to get what i needed back in the day, is without a doubt excited about a new set of people who do not know me, and that can be used to further those ends. however the part of me that is socially inept, that using help suppressed is screaming with FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT. it is wondering how in the world i can take this change without resorting to just the tiniest bit of something to calm its anxiety. well, this afternoon, there still is one more item i need to purchase this afternoon, for my transition to the new job, so a bit of retail therapy may not be a bad thing today.
of course, the part of me who NEEDS and WANTS to busy all the time, to distract myself from the world around me, is ambivalent. that part is waiting to see what Monday may or may not bring but has already booked a weekend full of commitments, so i need not think about what will happen at 8 AM Monday morning.
yes, sometimes it does feel like i am being torn apart by all of these diverse desires and seemingly independent parts of me. the truth is, that a bit of deconstruction helps me to sort out what is going on in the whole person i am becoming. when i get to the end of one of these exercise, i have a bit more clarity and i better prepared to meet the challenges that today may bring. which brings me back to the here and now. it is time to jump in the shower and get headed down to the last day of this phase of my life. today i will be okay, processing the change and i welcome the smooth transition into the next phase of my life. i can do that today, ONLY BECAUSE the program has shown me that FAITH and TRUST will be rewarded by a growing sense of who i am and where i just may be going.

∞ DT ∞