Blog entry for:

is yet to come, is a phrase i have latched on to, more than once in my life and yes, even in my recovery journey. back in my using days, this was a fantasy to bolster my illusions and fantasies of somehow making my life magically delicious. if only i could or would do this or that, all would be well and everything in my life would be corrected and aligned to my desire, namely the ability to get high every day, all day and not worry about the mundane aspects of life in the real world. “the best,” as i saw it was to be able to walk through life in a state of constant buzz and not have to answer to anyone or anything. there is a name for that sort of lifestyle, it is called being voluntarily “homeless,” and i could certainly see myself, “flying a sign,” pretending i was some poor wretch that needed a hand out. do not misread that last statement as some sort of indictment against those i do see out and about, flying a sign. it is not up to me to judge whether they are physically, emotionally or mentally capable and i am quite certain that survival on the streets is a whole lot more stressful than living the life i have, these days.
in recovery, that phrase has conjured up more than one fantastical scenario, none any more realistic than the ones i had in active addiction. in fact, some of them are inherently more dangerous than pitching everything and moving into my car. when i look at them in the cold light of recovery, i see them for what they really are, a “road back to the perdition,” of actively using. i may want to believe i do not want to change the way i feel, but after dealing with a stressful weekend, i wanted a nicotine “fix” when i am a week away from my annual test. i wanted to run away to the cigar store and just hide out for the afternoon, smoking my brains out. when i realized what i was feeling, the DESIRE to change my feelings, i came to the place that facing the stress and frustration was a better path to take. i survived my desire and moved on.
this morning, i see that the choice i made this morning to stay clean and yes nicotine free is beyond my inherent abilities. if i truly desire to do either of those, than i NEED to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to provider that power to do so. my part, is to live a program of active recovery and keep doing the next right thing, even when that next right thing may be rooted in selfish, self-interest. maybe that phrase that i started this exercise off with, is truly a mantra for today instead of a vehicle to dive into fantasy. more, of course will be revealed, so i think i will get moving southbound to the office, for one more day of life in this real world.

∞ DT ∞