Blog entry for:

need to hold on to and what i need to let go of, is still a tricky proposition, even with a minute clean. this morning, things are not quite going the way i want them to and i could get all hot and bothered by that fact. what is stopping me from wailing and gnashing my teeth, is the fact that i really have nowhere i “need” to be and nothing i “need” to do. in fact, my plans were based in desire and they will come to fruition, as i allow things to move in the manner that they will. in fact, i changed them up and let this slide until after my run.
now that i am all exercised out and had time to once again allow myself to not think about anything save the rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement and the number of klicks i had left to go, i am once again in a spot where what is, is what is i9mportant and what is not, not so much. the one thing that kept popping up on my run, is the number of over-entitled folks i seem to run across 0on a daily basis. it starts with the “advice” column i read in the morning and continues throughout my day. one has to wonder, and i certainly do, where they got that sense of being “owed&8221; something and why they are so adamant about getting their due. i know, for a fact, that in active addiction and certainly when i was merely abstinent that i lived in that same fantasy bubble world. nothing was my fault and even if it was i expected the world to be able correct itself for me and provide whatever it was i thought i was owed, a living, more money, a romantic relationship, an easy well-paid job and the list goes one and on and on. looking back on that set of expectations, it is hardly surprising that i saw myself as a victim of circumstances beyond my control and born under a bad sign.
today and just for today, i can take responsibility for what i do and what i am. i “owe” my employer eight hours of work per day and as a result they “owe” me a paycheck. the only thing i believe i am entitled to today, is the opportunity to CHOOSE to live a program of recovery and another day clean. because i have lived in this manner for more than a few days in a row, that is almost a given. close but no cigar as the saying goes, as i can still CHOOSE at any minute in my day, to abandon what has worked to try something new.
it is, however, time to get moving towards a smoke-filled room to watch football and enjoy the experience of hanging with some friends and acquaintances as i savor one or more cigars and an afternoon of football. i am more than certain that i may not make the playoffs in either league, but that is a consequence of my lack of patience with the talent i acquired, way back when. it does not mean i stop cheering for my teams to win and throw in the towel, it just means i accept what is and let the rest go.

∞ DT ∞