Blog entry for:

...in their eyes, and they smile uncertainly when i encourage them to keep coming back. the gift of watching newer members recover is always something for me to be grateful for, unfortunately the converse is also true, i also get the gift of watching members with time, spin back down towards active addiction in a fog of denial that seems impenetrable. but before i launch into the dark side, i have a bit of bidness to take care of:

HAPPY 8TH CLEAN DATE ANNIVERSARY REESE F
THANK YOU FOR BEING PART OF MY RECOVERY

so anyhow…
it is sad but true, that the process that is so joyfully described in this reading can happen on the exact opposite direction and end up leading me back to where i started, and i am the one who is clueless as to its progression. where then is the HOPE, if i cannot see that i am heading in the wrong direction? well for me, the nudge i need to get back on track comes from the members who know me. their comments and actions around me, are often the only clues that i get that i may be headed in a direction i will not like.
so what do i do when i see the downward spin in progress? i say something and HOPE that the recovering addict can hear me, but sadly my experience is that they are not listening, and just like the addict who is not ready for recovery, they continue upon their merry way, oblivious to the path they have selected.
how do i know this? well i speak from experience, but this morning i am grateful that i never followed that path to its bitter end. i self-sponsored for a bit, and actually convinced myself that going out to New York to visit with a using buddy was a good idea. and so was hanging out in stripper bars drinking non-alcoholic beers all night long, and even buying drugs and taking them home so he could use. what an idiot i was then, but of course it was not until i got home, actually shared about my experience with my friends and peers, that i realized the direction my recovery was headed in. i had a sponsor withing two weeks of getting home, i mean i actually started sponsor shopping by going to meetings where i knew there were members with time and started looking for the next man to be my sponsor. and i turned the direction of my recovery around and started once again up the path of recovery.
so the road does lead in both directions, and after my dip into the dark side i think i will close with a joyous thought that an addict, any addict can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live, and i get to watch as that promise comes true.

∞ DT ∞