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yes, but, what about those who unlike the example slowly slide out of the rooms and into active addiction. unfortunately, in my experience they seem to outnumber those of us who stay. the joy i feel in watching someone come back to life is never enough to counter the despair and anguish i feel when someone plays that song backwards and disappears into active addiction. before i get deeper into wailing, gnashing my teeth and tearing my shirt, i need to acknowledge a peer who has and continues to do this gig, just for today:

Reese F
my friend and sponsee,
Congrats on Fifteen (15) years of Just for Todays
Keep Coming Back!

actually i really need not go into that whole atmosphere of why, why, why. the fact is, some of my peers, seem to think they “got this,” and three of those peers are now out in active addiction. i say three because the three i am thinking about were men who asked me to sponsor them, hence i developed a closeness and feel their pain, just that much more. when they were actually working a program and not sneaking a little sumthin', sumthin&39;, on the down low, they were becoming more capable of facing the world honestly and without the artifice and fronts they had so carefully developed. being among the fortunate, who have not relapsed, i can have empathy for them, but i cannot feel what they feel, when they pick themselves up and bring their worn out game back to the rooms. for me, even after the consequences were removed for my life, staying clean became something i just did, and along the way i accumulated some days. there was work. there was effort. most of all there needed to be an admission that i was DIFFERENT than 85% of the human race, and the ONLY place i could people like me, were in the rooms of the fellowship that became my home.
watching the progression to getting what i have or the progression back to active addiction, reminds me, that no matter how many days i have, i too, am on either one of those paths. for me, there is not “grey” area, i am either working to further my recovery, or running towards my next use, which more than likely would come in the form of a malt based beverage, leading to its inevitable conclusion. because i am clean today, i do not need to worry about what others are saying about me, the truth about my life is that i do not use, nor do i tear others down to protect my reputation. living a program of recovery, means i do not have to fear getting “found out” by anyone and there is nothing in my current manner of living that makes me feel shame or be guilt-ridden. if i drop a load of crap on my sponsor, i am willing to take his suggestions and direction and make them part of my life, not just release the pressure. as the example seems to indicate, there is always HOPE for someone like me, if i decide to do what those who have gone before me, do. stay clean, work steps and live the program, it really is that simple, just for today

∞ DT ∞