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without you! it is true, without the newest of the new, walking into the rooms, and sticking around, i would have given this gig up a very long time ago. there are many benefits to sticking around, and the one spoken of today, is that of watching an addict find a new manner of living and the physical, emotional and spiritual transformation that occurs. i GET to be a part of that process, most of time, just on the periphery but sometimes i get to participate a whole lot more. either way, watching their journey, renews my HOPE and FAITH in this recovery program. before i burst out in refrains of Kum-By-Yah or get mistaken for what i am not, i think i will take care of some business, a man o has become a friend and sponsee and in whose recovery i get be a bit more than just another spectator:

Reese F
16 years of hammering out the hits, recovery-wise anyhow.
I am glad you stuck around through one of your toughest years clean.

so yes i GET to watch others grow into the people they have always wanted to be. yes i sometimes even get to change my opinions about those who i never thought were going to make it. amazingly, i can even admit that maybe i am wrong, and the duplicitous, manipulative resident creeps, are not that at all. i also get to see the inverse of that equation, and watch as a member grows into “SUPREME” recovery filled with all sorts of new-age, psycho-babble. for me, as i sit back and observe, it is what they do and how they live their lives, rather than what rolls out of their mouths when the choose to share, that demonstrates how recovery is being implemented in their lives.
since i have strayed from the topic at hand, and that was always my intention, as yin without yang, is not a balanced situation, i can report that for the first time in months i did not walk out of a Tuesday meeting pissed off. there was the normal busload of treatment clients, the self-promoters, the bullsh!t artists and the SUPREME. nothing out of the ordinary there, and all of those groups shared their experience, strength and hope. i also shared mine, and while i was waiting my turn, i heard something amazing from nearly all that shared, the voice of a recovering addict, who actually spoke to their journey, rather than telling me what to do. even the cross-talkers had something to offer, although once i sorted it out, it was certainty nothing that i wanted to implement in my life ↪ thinking my way to better behavior ↩. i am certainly glad that i never did go down that path, once i got clean and finally came to become a member. i GET to watch how stuck they remain, spiritually and emotionally, and wonder if there is a chance that someday, they too, could come to see that they are exactly 180° out of phase. i know in active addiction i believed with my whole heart that i could think myself into a better way of living and as i sit here on STEP 12, wondering what i have left undone, i am starting to see what Carlos has been doing all along, teaching me to behave my way to better thinking. learning how to feel as opposed to how to know, is an important lesson, and one that will be integral to my recovery moving forward, and it is the contrast of those who walked into the rooms after me, that is allowing me to see what i need to see, to move forward in my recovery program. it is a good day to be an active part of my life and my recovery. i am grateful for another chance to be a tiny bit more than i was yesterday and it is my fellows travelers that will allow that to happen, just for today.

∞ DT ∞