Some memes

to that first meeting, not quite sure of what to expect, but perhaps desperate enough to try something new, was not how i arrived in the fellowship. nope for me, this was the social aspect of the hell i was sentenced to, by the powers that be. and yet, here i am, starting another day clean, in a fairly long continuous chain of days clean. so i know there is HOPE for any addict who happens to pop-in for just until…
this morning, as i sat and digested the reading, i kept going back to some of the ideas i heard at the meeting last night. it is true, that meeting is an offering to addicts who cannot attend regularly scheduled meetings, so i often get a perspective on what addiction looks like in the untreated. when i came to the rooms, i was just as entangled in that set of circumstances as they are and over the days, i tend to forget what it was that kept me apart from the fellowship that has ended-up saving my life. oh i remember the general themes of selfish, self-interest and entitlement. i remember my attitude of arrogance and self-righteous superiority. the rest fades into the white noise of memory and gets lost as i try and polish up my story for public consumption in the here and now., because if i worse than i was, i look better than i am. same old tune, just a different day.

Reese F.
Congrats on Seventeen (17) years clean.
I am glad i get to watch as you progress in your recovery journey.

what i heard last night, that rang the most true, were the rationalizations and justifications for using and relapse. the greatest salesmen present, attributed their consequences to “discrimination,” and “hate-filled negativity” on the part of others. i understand that whole set of reasoning, as i never wanted to take any of the responsibility for doing anything about the problem i did not believe i had. using was my solution to living, and not my problem. i was so sold on that idea, that my notions of entitlement, ruled all that i did. through the lens of my recovery journey, i know today, i need not edit my story to make it any more gory grim or desperate than it really was, and yet once again, last night i focused more on the moral aspect of who i was and less on the emptiness of life in active addiction. seeing that this morning,m does little to correct the issue from yesterday, but gives me some clarity about where to go next week ➵ HONEST SHARING!
this morning, as i reflect on what kept me from becoming a part of either of the fellowships i was attending, i see it was that sense of entitlement and my feelings of being “forced” into doing something that was never going to work. no one seemed to get who the fVCK i was and treat me with the respect and admiration, i deserved, after all, i had successfully evaded detection for nearly twenty-five years, skating away form most everything that would destroy my life, at least in the limited social sense i had. what i saw and heard last night, was a reflection of who i was, and could once again become, if i return to active addiction. i know the whole spiel by heart and can recite it with very little effort, after all, i am those guys just a few days down the road of recovery and in a place where i do not want to return to the life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞