Blog entry for:

**nor could i, without you.**
first off, the names of my friends did not end up in the paper yesterday, which is a good thing. they were certainly eligible and it was certainly a fairly good chance that they associated with those who did. how close this particular disaster came to them, i probably will never know, but what i do know is this: that life is not one i envy this morning.
envy? yes envy! there are times when i want to pitch all the trappings of being an adult and sink back into a life where couch surfing, getting high and moving from one scam to another, is something that looks attractive to me. to admit anything else, would be a big fVcking lie. of course, what i choose not to remember is the misery i would have to live through and the fact that my life would be owned by dope. this is however a bit off topic and i do have a major call-out today:

Reese,
my friend and sponsee,
Thank you for staying a member
of the “No Matter What Club,”
for 14 years in a row!

so what does the member who walks into the room and stays do for me? after all this is all about what i get out of it. well for one, i get to see the process that started in me, all those days ago. it is very easy for me to forget what happened between the time the desire to use was lifted form me and today. the first six months of my clean time journey were so horrendous on me, that i will always remember those days. after the desire to use passed? not so much, the days blend into one another and even though i recall in general the feelings and attitudes i had. even though i am lovingly reminded of the particular brand of insanity i was caught up in. generally those days are mostly a blur, as my human characteristic of burying minutia takes over and preserves me from being drowned in memories. the process of those who stick it out, fills me with a sense of wonderment and even HOPE, to be a bit of an unicorn chaser today. that HOPE lights my darkest days, because it reminds me that, yes i too, was once there, and that no matter what is going on, i too, can come through it, just as they are doing.
so as i decide, what my website is going to look like, how i am going to use the modern tools to bring it into the this century, i can remember that there was a day, when not only could i not do that sort of work, i did not care, all i wanted was relief from living the sort of life i find myself envying. those who come in today and stick around, remind me that life is not what i remember it to be, in fact as they get further and further from the last time they used, they sound more and more grateful that someone was here when they walked into the doors. i get recovery from them, as they walk this path. they get my experience as i continue walk this path. and we get to recover, one day at a time.
so i have been doing several things while getting this done, and nothing is quite yet finished. so for right now i will sign-off, move on and see if i what i can wrap up this morning.

∞ DT ∞