Blog entry for:

the recovery of my peers, as they find the HOPE inherent in this program. yesterday, was a day wrapped around my self-will for the most part, and even though i GOT to end the day doing a service for my local fellowship, i did a disservice to myself by smoking several little cigars. it is not surprising how fast and furious i fell, once i made the proper excuses. there was going to be a huge qualifier there, i decided however, that i do not need any more excuse to justify the fact that i smoked and t was because i CHOSE to smoke. trying to beat myself up or minimize it, does very little to change the fact and the fact is, i want to smoke again, upping the ante here, regardless of what i have achieved over the course of the past sixty days or so. what that means for me, is i have to return to a place where i want to be tobacco free, now that the sword has been removed and today, i may not quite be there, YET. before i dive into something a bit more uplifting a call-out to a friend is in order:

Reese,
my friend and peer,
CONGRATS on eighteen (18) years clean.
It was my honor to help you find a way to achieve those days.

for the first time in my recovery journey i suggested that a sponsee may want to find someone else to help guide him in his recovery.it was a blow to my oversized ego, to come to the place where i finally was aware that no matter how hard i tried, no matter how brilliant or understanding i was, without being physically present in the life of someone else, i could not give them what they needed to uncover their path out of their misery. i did not “fire” him, but is suggested he take a look and see if he was getting what he needed from me as his sponsor. in the end, i believe he made the best decision for his recovery. i GOT to be a part of his recovery journey and do not regret any of the effort, time or resources i put into being a part of his journey, i only want him to be less miserable.
this morning, as i prepare to head on down to the office, i need to remember what it is i want and what i need to do to get it. returning to a life if using tobacco every day, is not really what i want and to believe that i have any control over that is a fantasy. it is up to me to surrender to the fact that i am an addict and just for today, i have to allow the POWER hat fuels my recovery to guide me in my recovery towards being the man i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞