Blog entry for:

as i grow to trust in their recovery, i learn to trust my own. nothing else is so hard for me in my recovery, than this whole trust issue. the irony of it is, i have never had mu trust violated since coming to recovery, and honestly i was never violated that badly while using, HOWEVER, i often violated the trust others put in me, when i was in active addiction. and i have come to the conclusion, that the trust issue comes from what my actions and behaviors were, rather than what was done upon me.
so as always, the cause and conditions are generally irrelevant here, after all, i do not really need to learn why i am distrusting. regardless of what the mental health professionals may say. i can learn to trust, just by trusting, and alter my attitudes, by behaving in a different manner, and when i see, over and over again, that my trust is not violated, then i will start trusting auto-magically. you know the whole behaving my way into better thinking spiel.
although, trust is such an issue with me, the second path i can and do take, is to look for the evidence of what has happened when i trusted in the past. sure enough, the line where i entered recovery is a demarcation of trust violations being the norm, rather than those violations being rare. as i became more trustworthy, and people began to trust me, i was became more trusting, and the feedback cycle continued. as i learned to trust and be trusted, i also learned to ask for the help i needed from sources that were truly trustworthy. yes, i have made a mistake or two in that regards, not in putting my trust in them, but allowing them to offer help that i did not require, even though i really thought i desired it. okay i have used irony once already, but ironically it was because i was not ready to trust my sponsor, that i went to a source for the answers that i really did not need. the help i got, was not harmful, and in another time and place may have been exactly what i needed, but then and there it created within me a conflict that has only been recently resolved. that experience has taught me that i know what i know, and i know what i feel, and if it feels wrong, it probably is so STOP IT RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!
anyhow, the rambling has gone on long enough, time to hit the streets and take off a few more grams of fat.

∞ DT ∞