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is no longer a great source of wisdom when it comes to trusting myself and others. it certainly served me well, back in the day, but it kept me isolated and alienated, throughout my recovery journey. as i finally came to a place where i could admit to myself that no matter what had happened in my past, i was not broken and learn to actually trust that revelation, i came to see that i certainly could trust a whole lot more than i was willing to do in the past. my need to hide my shame and my feelings was removed and i get to trust myself as well as others these days, with very few conditions.
as rosy and hopeful as that may sound, it certainty is a process to come out of the dark and learn to walk in the light of recovery, regardless of how long i have been doing this gig. there are days when i feel vulnerable and hiding seems to be the best option. there are days when i am overwhelmed by the shame i have heaped upon myself, for the decades of living a lie and trust flies out the window. over the past few months, watching how others live in pride and work towards prestige, i catch glimpses of myself, through the various phases of my recovery. i can now see that it was my lack of FAITH and TRUST in myself that made me act in a similar manner, whether or not that is what i am witnessing in my peers or not, it certainly set off a chain reaction of feelings and a resurfacing of the shame i lived in for so long.
just for today, i trust that i can find the job i need to find, that i have the skills necessary to keep that job and thrive. just for today, i can trust myself with my reactions and feelings and live in the light of acceptance and letting go of what i have no power over. just for today, i can get out and about, take an interview and patiently wait for the answers i desire. just as i once used being “bigger than life” to keep my peers from seeing in the shadows, today i can use my recovery and the light it brings into my life, to be more than i was yesterday. so off to the streets i go, full of HOPE that today, something will go the way i desire.

∞ DT ∞