Blog entry for:
Mon, Jan 31, 2022 08:42:53 AM
🚶 my past experience 🚶
posted: Mon, Jan 31, 2022 08:42:53 AM
is no longer a great source of wisdom when it comes to trusting myself and others. it certainly served me well, back in the day, but it kept me isolated and alienated, throughout my recovery journey. as i finally came to a place where i could admit to myself that no matter what had happened in my past, i was not broken and learn to actually trust that revelation, i came to see that i certainly could trust a whole lot more than i was willing to do in the past. my need to hide my shame and my feelings was removed and i get to trust myself as well as others these days, with very few conditions.
as rosy and hopeful as that may sound, it certainty is a process to come out of the dark and learn to walk in the light of recovery, regardless of how long i have been doing this gig. there are days when i feel vulnerable and hiding seems to be the best option. there are days when i am overwhelmed by the shame i have heaped upon myself, for the decades of living a lie and trust flies out the window. over the past few months, watching how others live in pride and work towards prestige, i catch glimpses of myself, through the various phases of my recovery. i can now see that it was my lack of FAITH and TRUST in myself that made me act in a similar manner, whether or not that is what i am witnessing in my peers or not, it certainly set off a chain reaction of feelings and a resurfacing of the shame i lived in for so long.
just for today, i trust that i can find the job i need to find, that i have the skills necessary to keep that job and thrive. just for today, i can trust myself with my reactions and feelings and live in the light of acceptance and letting go of what i have no power over. just for today, i can get out and about, take an interview and patiently wait for the answers i desire. just as i once used being “bigger than life” to keep my peers from seeing in the shadows, today i can use my recovery and the light it brings into my life, to be more than i was yesterday. so off to the streets i go, full of HOPE that today, something will go the way i desire.
as rosy and hopeful as that may sound, it certainty is a process to come out of the dark and learn to walk in the light of recovery, regardless of how long i have been doing this gig. there are days when i feel vulnerable and hiding seems to be the best option. there are days when i am overwhelmed by the shame i have heaped upon myself, for the decades of living a lie and trust flies out the window. over the past few months, watching how others live in pride and work towards prestige, i catch glimpses of myself, through the various phases of my recovery. i can now see that it was my lack of FAITH and TRUST in myself that made me act in a similar manner, whether or not that is what i am witnessing in my peers or not, it certainly set off a chain reaction of feelings and a resurfacing of the shame i lived in for so long.
just for today, i trust that i can find the job i need to find, that i have the skills necessary to keep that job and thrive. just for today, i can trust myself with my reactions and feelings and live in the light of acceptance and letting go of what i have no power over. just for today, i can get out and about, take an interview and patiently wait for the answers i desire. just as i once used being “bigger than life” to keep my peers from seeing in the shadows, today i can use my recovery and the light it brings into my life, to be more than i was yesterday. so off to the streets i go, full of HOPE that today, something will go the way i desire.
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
∞ who do i trust? ∞ 283 words ➥ Monday, January 31, 2005 by: donnotα a decision to trust α 732 words ➥ Tuesday, January 31, 2006 by: donnot
∞ learning to trust is a risky proposition. ∞ 493 words ➥ Wednesday, January 31, 2007 by: donnot
∞ now that i am in recovery, trust is essential. ∞ 367 words ➥ Thursday, January 31, 2008 by: donnot
μ finding someone i can trust makes it easier to ask for help. μ 454 words ➥ Saturday, January 31, 2009 by: donnot
± in active addiction, i could not and would not trust myself ± 575 words ➥ Sunday, January 31, 2010 by: donnot
∫ just for today i will have faith in someone ∫ 663 words ➥ Monday, January 31, 2011 by: donnot
! i will decide to trust someone , 505 words ➥ Tuesday, January 31, 2012 by: donnot
∴ my past experience as a using addict has taught me ∴ 322 words ➥ Thursday, January 31, 2013 by: donnot
∑ most of all, i could not trust myself. ∑ 409 words ➥ Friday, January 31, 2014 by: donnot
ƒ i need something to hang onto, ƒ 517 words ➥ Saturday, January 31, 2015 by: donnot
😎 trust 😎 608 words ➥ Sunday, January 31, 2016 by: donnot
⊙ learning to ⊛ 870 words ➥ Tuesday, January 31, 2017 by: donnot
🎲 a risky proposition 🎲 864 words ➥ Wednesday, January 31, 2018 by: donnot
🛫 learning 🛬 419 words ➥ Thursday, January 31, 2019 by: donnot
🗦 something, 🗧 632 words ➥ Friday, January 31, 2020 by: donnot
🌄 trusting myself 🌅 414 words ➥ Sunday, January 31, 2021 by: donnot
😲 feeling 😌 525 words ➥ Tuesday, January 31, 2023 by: donnot
😶 having empathy 🤗 451 words ➥ Wednesday, January 31, 2024 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 2
3) Therefore a sage has said, 'I will do nothing (of purpose), and
the people will be transformed of themselves; I will be fond of keeping
still, and the people will of themselves become correct. I will take
no trouble about it, and the people will of themselves become rich;
I will manifest no ambition, and the people will of themselves attain
to the primitive simplicity.'