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and respect. take two, all thumbs strikes again! as i was saying just a minute ago, the two most common themes from those on the margins seem to be centered around trust and respect. i remember those days, and my favorite line, in various flavors and often wrapped up in spiritual camouflage was: “they are all judging me, disrespecting me behind my back and do not trust no matter how many days i stay clean.”
in those days, of course the world revolved around me, and all that i saw and heard was filtered through my very limited experience in active recovery. as i stayed clean, by hook and by crook, i started to see that what i thought was reality, was far from what was actually happening. i awoke to the possibilities of my new life, after the decades of using, i saw that my perceptions, my opinions and what i thought was true and false, were all whacked way out of anything that resembled the real world. not that those whom i see these days coming in , are like me in any way 😇, i am saying that until i could get over my bad myself, i was incapable of trusting anyone, much less giving them any respect, and expected the same sort of treatment in return.
i have spoken about “trust bombs” and “truth tests” in the past, so need to cover ancient history. what those exercises showed me, was that i was a nut case, i was self-centered and for the most part my peers could be trusted, were trusting me and with that trust came the respect i was so desperate to get, mainly because i could not or would not respect myself.
time, steps and waking up in the present tense makes all of that seem so silly and it amazes me, that once the sword was lifted that i did NOT return to the life of doing whatever i wanted to do, as much as i could do, all of the time, and fVck the world and everyone in it! some switch clicked and i actually stared a spiritual journey towards becoming the sort of person i always dreamed of being, socially competent, self-assured and someone others could trust.when i see my peers struggling with these issue, especially those who are in and out of the rooms on a fairly consistent basis, i wonder what part of my spiritual wealth i can give them, to start the journey towards being more than just another abstinent or using addict. i wonder how i can let them know that what they think and what is reality are not anywhere close. i know i am powerless over addiction, mine as well as theirs, and yet i still want to fill them with the spiritual abundance i have been given.
when all is said and done, all i can do is share what i have, give it away freely and HOPE that something penetrates the darkness that is active addiction and provides them the means to step away from who they think they are and become something more.
dang it all, that became way too Boulder New Age Caring Kind of Guy, i guess that when one considers who i am today, maybe that too is part of the total and genuine man i am becoming. that journey is not mine to control, save in one respect, i have to practice a program of active recovery and invite the POWER that fuels my recovery, into my life, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞