Blog entry for:

believe in, and give me HOPE in my recovery.
take two, i did not like how that last one started.
i think i have already shared about how i learned to trust my sponsor,. across the course of my recovery,. so for those who missed that, i will provide this quick synopsis.not being trustworthy, i naturally assumed that no one was. those who were in the rooms, when i got here, kept saying i would have to trust them with my life. so torn as i was, i got a sponsor, and the process of learning to trust him went something like this. drop a juicy bit form my past or present and wait to see if i heard it echoed back in the rooms.when i did not, the bit would get a bit juicer and i would trust him that much more, and i cycled through that until i got to the plaice that i could actually do a FIFTH STEP with him, trusting that nothing i said would ever be echoed back to me through others. my experience was such that, once i could trust him, i could extend that trust to others in the fellowship, especially those who were walking the talk and not just phoning it in. it was there that i got my distaste for the “party line parrots,” who share nothing about anything, but make it sound oh so whatever.
as i stay clean, and live a program of active recovery, i get to learn how to trust that much more every day. it is not like i drop any major trust bombs in an open share, but i have been known to let my peers know that not all is well in my head. lately as i struggle with coming to terms with the practical applications of the ELEVENTH STEP, i have been very open about where i am struggling and what it means for my recovery. to my great surprise, it has led to some of my parrot-like peers sitting quietly and listening to what others say. it has also led me to be a bit more open about what is going on in my life, and less afraid of what others may think about me. each step i take towards trusting my peers, is a step i take in learning to trust myself. i just wrote realized that when i here my peers sharing fluffy nothings, i trust them a little less. i find myself pulling away from them and i taste the bile rising in my throat. where i think i am going today, is that i have to trust, that those who share nothing, are doing the best they can, given the constraints of the box they have built for themselves. a bit of understanding will go a lot further than a vile horrific share, even if it is, only in my own head. hmmmm, an interesting though to close on, and head on out to get some stuff done!

∞ DT ∞