Blog entry for:

to trust my recovery is not one of those things that comes easily to me, after all, looking like something i am not, is all part of my game. one might think with thousands of days clean, i might have grown out of my need to look better than i am and have something over on everyone around me. yes one might think that, but one would be wrong. of all the troubling parts of my character, this little “flaw” haunts me the most. knowing who i am and looking at what i have become sets up more than a bit of cognitive dissonance and i wonder if i am more like Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who lies every day for her boss, even though it violates her deeply held religious beliefs. does the ends of keeping her job and insulating her boss justify the means of betraying who she is? i do not know if she ever considers that, but i look at my own behaviors and as i learn to trust my intuition and do what feels unnatural to me -- showing the world who i am, and not who i want them to see -- i see that i do not melt into a pile of steaming pile of empty clothes.
i would be lying if i said this whole recovery gig felt “natural” to me, even after some days clean. i often feel like that proverbial round peg being crammed into a square hole. everything i thought i once knew about myself has been turned on its head and these days, what i uncover,m after hiding behind the smoke and mirrors for so long, is that this person, may actually be one that can be trusted. as i discovered that my peers and associates were doing this gig, for real, i saw that maybe i could as well. i am seeing that the progress i make is not one of those “one step forward, two steps back,” kind of deals. as much as i might like to minimize what i have been given and yes what i have accomplished, the fact o the matter is, the price i paid to get where i am, has been steep and hardly “free.” it has been well worth it and yes, maybe, just for today, i can trust that my recovery is real and not just a “phase” i happen to be going through.

∞ DT ∞