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my past experience as a using addict has taught me that neither my companions nor i could be trusted.
overcoming that experience is one of the tasks that seems to be the hardest to do. yes, my experience in recovery has been a mixed bag when it comes to trust. the men who i have asked to sponsor me, without an exception have never repeated anything i have said to the fellowship at large, and my first and my current sponsor have always been reachable, returned my phone calls and were present for me in times of NEED. most of the members of the fellowship that i have developed strong friendly relationships have also been trustworthy. of course, the few times i was let down, when my trust was violated, the part of me i call my disease takes that as evidence that no one in the fellowship is trustworthy and i might as well withdraw into the dark spaces of active addiction. there is the evidence i need to show that this whole gig is smoke and mirrors.
well the truth of the matter is that the members of the fellowship as well as the humans who are part of my life that are outside the fellowship are exactly that, human beings, with all the inherent traits that make them a unique individual. learning to trust is what my British friends may call a ‘sticky wicket’. my experience has been that as i become more trustworthy, those with whom i choose to share my life seem to become more trustworthy. i seem to better capable of choosing what to trust and with whom to trust the various things that i need others to hold for me. as i grow in recovery, (note to all of you: length of clean time does not necessarily mean growth in recovery), i discover that i am capable of being trusted by myself and by others. i have discovered that hiding in the shadows is not something that nurtures that growth, and taking the risk to trust someone else is actually a good thing to do. the ironic part of this whole trust as a risk issue is, i was a risk taker as a using addict, threatening my physical life every time i used for quite a period in my life, but i have always been a wimp when it came down to taking a risk emotionally or spiritually. learning to trust is learning to take those risks. yes i may get burned, but even that experience teaches me a lesson or two, usually that my shit really is not the biggie i often think it is, and that i can survive a spiritual or emotional bump in the road. so what up today? well i will work on learning to trust myself and others just a little bit more.

∞ DT ∞