Blog entry for:

for each other, as well as for myself, is without a doubt a **learned behavior** for me. to say i was less than empathetic when i arrived in recovery, would be an understatement. i was out for myself and although i could feel pity and sympathy, empathy was not part of my feelings repertoire. even today, i sometimes lapse into judgment rather than understanding, especially when it comes to the addicts who are part of my life, who choose not to do anything to treat their addiction. there are more than enough people in my life who seem to demand understanding, rather than judgement, that i am getting well-practiced at moving my emotional scale towards empathy rather than pity or sympathy.
today, as i sat in my nearly normal physical mode, i feel better than i have been feeling the past few days. i am still working on getting my leg back to the place where i can restart my physical therapy and fitness routines. i am less emotionally drained and i am starting to feel the weight of my Mom's passing. time and again, i find myself pausing, wondering if i am proceeding in the correct manner in dealing with her affairs and looking for clues as to where to look for moneys she has left behind. i know that i have to keep the lights on at her home and allow my nice the comfort of having the internet. i also know that when the the money i “inherited” gets released, i will need to consider the ways and means to share it with my brothers and sisters. for right now, i keep coming up against the wall of “not yet” which is one of the most frustrating places for me to be. accepting “what is” instead of forcing what i desire, is what i keep hearing. there are times when i am okay with that and over the past few days, i have been far from okay living in that state. this morning, i am more accepting and ready to roll on out to see what “may be.”
now that the one year cycle of the latest daily spiritual reading has come to its end, i wonder if i will continue down this path, or mix it up with the original set of readings. that is something i will consider tomorrow, as i enter my last day of bereavement leave and help my friend and sponsee celebrate the end of twenty-six years clean. more will certainly be revealed and just for today, i can be okay with waiting for that to come out.

∞ DT ∞