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i am really at a loss for words this morning, but that has never stopped me before, after all words of one sort or another is how i make my living. i am in kind of a strange spot this morning. nothing that i can put my finger on, but not quite right. reviewing my deeds and words over the past couple of days, i cannot find anything that has gone south either within me or in the world that surrounds me. exactly what any of this has with making a decision to trust someone and act on that trust, is beyond me at this moment.
i did not come to this whole gig with a lot of trust in anyone or anything, as i have shared before. i have learned that this addict needs to trust someone and share with them what is going on and today i have developed trust in several people, and it has yet to come back and bite me in my butt. i have also come to develop a trust in a loving caring POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS. others may choose to call that FAITH, but for me FAITH implies some sort of belief and deals with intangible things whereas TRUST is a concrete action, that does not necessarily engender any sort of belief. and the truth is that i trusted a HIGHER POWER long before i found FAITH. but the reading was not about learning to trust a HIGHER POWER, rather it was about developing TRUST in another person. i do know that the process of coming to trust someone else, did not start until i started to learn to trust myself. and that trust was sorely lacking when i walked into recovery for real.
today i trust myself to be able to choose the next right thing to do most of the time. i trust my sponsor to give me the bit of guidance i need at any moment. i trust my closed-mouth friends not to share my stuff with the local press (as if the press would be interested in my life) nor with anyone else who has no need to know. and i am coming to trust all the men who i have the privilege of sponsoring to not pass my shit around for general distribution. i trust the woman who i am currently building a relationship to love me for who i am and not expect to be who i am not.
so what action is required of me today? well i know there are still parts of me that have yet to be explored during my journey through recovery. the evidence of that is the ghost of relationships past. so i believe the action i need to practice today is to open up and trust someone new with my stuff. i am sure that person is already part of my life but i have overlooked them up until this point. well today i am willing to discover that person and let them know that i am okay today but am hearing a few new whispers from the part of me i call my disease. whispers that tell me that i am not capable of making the sort of commitment that i am embarking on with the woman i love. whispers that tell me i am not worth trusting. whispers that tell me i will never be anything more than a distrusting, unreliable junkie. whisper that tell me that i should just quit now, while i am ahead before i get hurt one more time. after all the evidence in my life is that history repeats itself and any respite i may have had from active addiction was a fluke and not really something i can count on. it is better to cut and run now, than take a risk that may end in disaster.
of course those whispers do not acknowledge the greater the risk, the greater the rewards, nor do they acknowledge that i am not that person anymore. i do not have to give in to my disease and be miserable. you know what? i am worthy of getting more than i have ever gotten before, and i am worth doing the work to accomplish that today!

∞ DT ∞