Blog entry for:

...much about my essential character. am i placing unrealistic expectations on other people or do i impose my standards on others? well, well, well, as i am starting top collect new questions for my daily inventory, here comes one that smacks me upside the head, as it were. i have been coming to terms about my relationships with others, especially some longstanding ones, and i stumble across this reading. in fact, my HIGHER POWER, whatever that may look like today has been screaming these questions at me for a while now, and i am dense enough to ignore it, after all, one of the traits that made me successful at using was the ability to ignore what was being said to me especially as the volume got louder and louder. i have been working with a sponsee on this exact issue, i mean EXACT -- as in WORD FOR WORD, all the time thinking that GOD has been telling me that is the direction to go. that was almost correct, yes this sponsee needs to look at this issue, his denial about this is incredible and it will take a POWER greater than i, to figure out how to crack this wall. HOWEVER, this writing is about me, and i too, have been in just as much denial as my sponsee. for me, the consequences are not nearly as grave, i probably will not go out and use, i have some time and practice at this, and know how to stay clean no matter how miserable i make my life.
the only problem i have with that last statement is that i also believe that i did not come to recovery to be miserable -- so i have a dichotomy going on -- i create my own misery and yet i stay clean no matter how miserable i make myself. nice work when you can get it. and GET IT I DO! the question i have and the decision i have to make is how i can move forward in my relationships, without imposing my standards on others. i have started to make some tiny baby steps in this direction, the first being, letting my relationship partners know what my expectations are, and setting firm and consistent boundaries. the latter is especially difficult, as i have allowed many to cross into territory that they do not rightfully belong, allowing them liberties that i honestly abhor. defining and pushing those boundaries to where they belong has been met with more than a little resistance, but i refuse to quit, resistance or not, i am not as sick as i was, and as a result will act in concordance with my new found freedom. so back to my original thought of including a new question in my daily inventory. yes, i do need to see where i have been imposing my expectations on others, and if this is a relationship that i wish to continue, to admit my fault, define the boundary and negotiate the final outcome. all in line with what a tenth step is all about.
but anyhow, the time has come to attempt to hit the road today, perhaps my healing process has been as active physically as it has been spiritually, but only a bit of exercise and a tiny little stress test will let me know for sure. off to the races, as it were and into a new day, after all i am content to thrive in my recovery today.

∞ DT ∞