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and seek to play a richer, more responsible part in them.
so a quick diversion before i jump into the meat of what i am pondering this morning. i am finally listening to what is being told to me. yes some of the members in the meetings i attend are willfully acting out. what i am hearing is, that could be , taking hostages and running on self-will. last night, instead of getting all butt hurt and pissed off, i simply let it go and moved on, as i know that there but for the grace of…
i do have a relationship with particular addict, and i am finally in a place where i could say something, the heat is gone and now i can feel the disappointment and sadness of watching someone slowly burn himself down, however for right now, i FEEL like i NEED to keep letting go and allow what is happening to run its course. the past six months have been quite a learning experience for me, especially when it comes to controlling and manipulating others through my relationships.i am just as powerless over the addiction of others as i am my own, and i will do what i WANT to do, and tell myself, it is what i NEED to do, just like they do. i am so far from unique in this that it really stinks at times. just like waiting for my incarcerated sponsee to contact me, so we can move forward, i have to pray for the power to let go, at least once each and every day. what is beginning to dawn on me, after all this effort to control instead of guide, to listen instead of direct and to force outcomes instead of surrendering, is that all i get for all of that is burnt down and burnt up myself. i lose any respect i have earned from others and more importantly i start to see myself cast in a insidious and disrespectful manner, that can start the slide down the slope to the day i decide that maybe, just maybe, i can do just one this time. it is ironic, that the more i control others, judge others and generally force my will on others, is a symptom of how little control i have on my own self. as i feel that control slip away, i grasp for power anywhere i can and it just gets sicker from there.
yes, i think continuing my FOURTH STEP journey is part of the solution and certainly giving the sponse a call as well, will not be a bad thing to do, either.
but for now, it is time to shower and shave and head on down to work in the big city, secure that i can be better than i was yesterday and if i so desire even a better person tomorrow.

∞ DT ∞