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for me, this is one of the trickiest aspects of all of the whole life on life*s terms gig. the first idea that pops into my head, when this subject is mentioned is of course, are the romantically intimate types. that set, in and of itself, could certainly fill tomes of writing, but relationships are everywhere and with this set of steps, i have been going through a very important set of relationships and how i act, react and participate in them.
i have already mentioned that at the start of this set of steps. oi believed i was broken beyond repair. i believed the damage i did during active addiction,doomed me to only have a very finite set of relationships, and if i wanted to add any new ones in my life, they would remain at best superficial, as i my capacity to love was “full.” as i have progressed through this step journey, including a visit to the darkest days of my life, i am certain that piece of my belief structure, probably one of the last vestiges of that structure, was holding me back from becoming the person i have always wanted to be. what that structure did and does, is to keep me in denial about where i could be going. if i believe that i am incapable of forming anymore deep and abiding relationships, especially with society and the fellowship, what is the point. yes staying clean is nice. remaining employable and being an active part of my life is wonderful. the catch is, why would i bother doing any more work on myself, if i believe i am beyond repair? the chain of denial and rationalization can continue down a path that eventually leads to me investing myself into the relationships i already have, in a very sick and twisted co-dependent sense, or just getting high every now and again, because it has been so long since my last use, it must mean that i am no longer an addict.
as one can plainly see, long term abstinence does very little to break the chain of addiction. even after some time clean, i can find the loophole i seek to use again. i know of two friends and peers who went out after twenty years clean, because they believed their expectations were not met and where they thought they were, was not where they wanted to be.i also have peers, with far less clean time that have decided the program was making them sick, and instead of pushing through the tough parts, they chickened out and through themselves into relationships, and stay clean solely for the sake of those relationships. unfortunately, i never did get an answer to the overarching question: ̶how is that working out for your?”
as i ease into this last day of vacation, and i am talking about being way easing into today, after all it is 9:30 and i have yet to post this little ditty, i can look back at where i was, and see where i am going, especially when it comes down to relationships. the truth is, when i got here, i seemed to have missed what everyone else was taught about how to do any sort of relationships. when i started this step journey, i was only starting to glimpse at who i was and where i am going. it is true that i still want everyone to like me. i still want to be the center of attention and i still act self-entitled and selfish in many ways, not the least is in the area of my relationships. while that is true, and so i do not get accused of being falsely humble, what that means, is that i am still a work in progress. i have yet to acquire a halo and i do not walk on water. i can and do care about others today, and it pains me to see them self-destructing because they are unable or unwilling to do something different, been there done that, got the T-shirt!
perhaps that is the greatest lesson i have stumbled across through this set of steps, i do care and i am willing to take the risk that caring about others entails, namely they will punt me from their lives, treat me shabbily or just leave. when none of that happens, the pay-off is incredible and i get the evidence i need to move forward into this new way of living, just for today.

∞ DT ∞