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are certainly a trap i often find myself getting stuck in. whether or not it is me, or someone with whom i have a relationship, does not matter. in the end, the result is the same, usually a bit of anger that fades into nothingness or a full-blown resentment. those two states of being, are often confusing for me, as i can believe that my anger has passed, when in reality i have suppressed my anger and am working towards a nice juice and often well-justified resentment. i have been taught, however, that IF i have to justify something, than i am probably going down the wrong path and it might be prudent to alter my direction of travel, post-haste.
the past year, has been one of change, disappointment, loss and freedom. exploding the lie that defined me for so long and learning to see myself in a wholly different light, has created more than one “unpleasant” interactions with those in my life. as i no longer allow myself to become a victim or a martyr, many of my relationships have required serious adjustments and the other party is often confused when i decline to play my tried and true role, any longer. living out from under the yoke that i constructed and carried for all those decades has been, well, interesting, to say the least. more than once i have dropped into a passionate response to events, that i have had to do the corrective action of a TENTH STEP to ameliorate.
accepting that which is not tolerable to me, is certainly the proper path to follow. calling someone out, with extreme prejudice, because of that reaction, is not.the silver lining, as it were,m in all of this, is that today, i know what is actually being true to myself and my values, and what it is to manipulate, berate and bully others into believing as i do. i do not have to juggle words to make something “fit.” as i was doing my best to find a new daily gig to pay my bills, time and again, i found myself digging deep, to “market” myself as the greatest thang since sliced bread. what i uncovered was that in doing so, i was setting myself up for failure and disappointment. when i let go of who i was not and concentrated on who i really am, <BOOM> i got a job offer. in this first day of my last week as part of the unemployed, i am looking forward to honing my skills and getting my life set-up for what will come. i still have a few hurdles to jump and more than a few details to get in line, before i start, but, just for today, i am satisfied that i can have healthy relationships with those around me, even those who are so blinded by their self-will that they can not see any alternatives.

∞ DT ∞